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JULY

• Revisions to promenade redevelopment sees deadline pushed back by 25 years“ Works on the promenade will be completed by their new 2042 deadline promises Tynwald. It comes as a last ditch plan to save the beloved horse trams gained approval in the 11th hour in last weeks sitting. The new plans will see the tram tracks hover 20 feet above the road surface, using groundbreaking engineering pioneered by NASA. The tracks will support their own weight using industrial magnets that will now flank the promenade restricting cycling and dog walking space significantly. The magnets will support the track, trams a horse and a maximum of 4 passengers, which records indicate won’t ever be surpassed anyway. The works have seen the prom refurb budget treble.”

AUGUST

• Man sent to prison for proposing Isle Of Man based festival“ The justice system moved promptly this week in what has been described as the Island’s first ever ‘pre-emptive arrest’. It came as an enthusiastic young businessman stated his intentions to put on a festival during next summer. He had earmarked Nobles Park to host the event, and had promised three chart topping headline acts, and a number of other notable artists and bands to make up the lineup. Hours after his announcement he was arrested whilst getting out of his car on Athol Street, he was held overnight and appeared in court the following morning. He faced pre-emptive charges of fraud and failure to refund ticket holders when the festival was postponed, probably around April 2018. He was sentenced to 18 months in prison. A furious Ramsey man has also created a Facebook group after it became apparent that he wouldn’t get a refund for the ticket he would have probably purchased early in the New Year. To compound the aspiring promoters troubles Leona Lewis’ agent is suing him pre-emptively for not paying her deposit.

SEPTEMBER

• Hermes driver ‘breaks the internet’“ A young Hermes driver from Peel crashed the Manx Telecom servers earlier this month by releasing his phone number online. Although filled with the best of intentions, he said he could have never anticipated what would come next. Within 2 hours he’d been called 930 times and received over 1200 text messages, from people wanting to know where their Next catalogue was, and why he wouldn’t just put their delivery in their shed. Thinking a simple change of number would rectify the issue he underestimated the fact that his name was now public, and was eventually forced into the witness protection program where he has been given a new identity. Hermes guidelines state their employees must remain as secretive as MI5 agents and must ignore all notes left on doors asking for packages to be ‘left in the shed’.Stay tuned for the last 2017 news roundup, coming soon.

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