Reasons to not do The Parish Walk


1.Not even The Proclaimers would do it

They’d walk 500 miles they said. They’d walk 500 more, they said. Get fuc*ed, lads. The Frankie Boyle lookalikes and so-Scottish-they-sh*t-deep-fried-mars-bars, acoustic duo may have been laying it on thick in the name of love, but let’s be serious – there’s no way anyone in their right mind would walk for 85 miles unless they were certifiable. You’re off your barnet, the lot of ya.

2. Your feet will look like they’ve been passed through a corn thresher

You’ll spot them a mile off: Hobbly Joes in the Office on Monday morning, wincing with agony and shrieking at the most menial of walks to the water cooler. Then, they’ll show you the feet. Oh the horror! Their toes are a mangled, blotch of bruise-purple, squashed and piled on to one another like clowns in a novelty car. The heels, visceral and raw, with layers of skin two or three layers in, like weeping onions. Then there are the blisters: Bursting bubbles of frothing lava, peering over the side of now erupted volcanoes. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE AND WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME THIS WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE. IT’S BREAKFAST TIME, DAMNIT.

3. You had to go full-Manx, didn’t you

Our Island is blessed with stunning landscapes and vistas, peaceful glens, bountiful hills and emerald greenery, all imbued with a serene and gentle vibe. The quintessential spot on earth to take the pooch for its walkies, to walk arm in arm with your significant other, to close your eyes and breathe in the calming zest of the sea breeze. BUT NO WE HAD TO INJECT MOLTEN HOT LIQUID MANX MENTALIST INTO PROCEEDINGS DIDN’T WE? “Oooh isn’t that view of the Irish sea just lovely? I’ll tell you what would make it even more awesome, in the literal sense of the word, let’s take this leisurely stroll up a notch and walk at a sweat-inducing pace in short shorts. Until everything is pain and all we can see is the tantalising prospect of sweet, sweet death”.

4. Who supports the support?

It’s been a tough week at work. You’re underpaid, overworked but, finally, after what seemed to be a ceaseless knuckle-drag towards weekend vibes, you made it. It’s Friday. You sit your feet on the sofa, open the wine and prepare to watch the telly. Then the realisation hits. You’re up at the break of day to go and support your daughter. She has decided she fancies a bit of a walk. So, instead of enjoying your weekend, you’ll be cursed to amble along in your Range Rover, intermittently handing out Mars Bars and watching the clock, bored out of your mind. Cheers!

5. You gotta have chafe

There’s no getting round it. Every crevice you own is on a hiding to nothing, which will leave your funzone begging for mercy. Good luck to you and all your crevices. (Crevii?!).

6. The Fear

It takes a certain kind of toughness to put yourself through such an endurance test, not just physically, but a mental challenge too. For the non Parish walkers, we just don’t know if we’d be up to the task. 2am, in the cold, dark enveloping darkness of night, left alone with our thoughts at Maughold Church…we’d probably just start howling at the moon, to be honest.

7. The Poo Situation

When you go you’ve gotta go, they say. But…such a privilege is surely highly compromised? What if you’re near a Church and desperate? Jesus is watching! 

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