It’s cancer season, which means everyone feels like sh*t. At least the weather is nice though?

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) 

Pressure may be building at work this week. The best management tip I can advise is: leave. Just quit. It’s not worth the hassle. 

Pisces (Feb 19- Mar 20) 

For every bad decision you make this week, just remember it won’t be as bad as deciding to cut down elms. Or getting rid of the Rover’s outdoor seating.

Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19) 

If you’re watching Love Island this week and feeling insecure, just remember that ugly people can find love too. 

Taurus (Apr 20- May 20) 

If you want to feel accomplished this week, Taurus, just keep ticking things off your to-do list. It doesn’t matter if you’ve actually done them. 

Gemini (May 21- Jun 21) 

Famously, there are two fires within a Gemini. This week you could wake up early, go on runs, etc etc- or you could actually be fun to be around. Choose wisely. 

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul  22) 

You’re full of sh*t this week, Cancer. Maybe it’s because you’re a bullsh*tter, maybe it’s because you’ve been swimming in Laxey.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) 

The stars are suggesting something about ‘virality’ this week. Maybe you’ll go viral. Or maybe it’s time to get a test.

Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22) 

The strength you need is already inside you. And if it isn’t, have two protein shakes back to back and you’ll be grand.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22) 

The truth can hurt people you love. So why not just lie through your teeth this week?

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22) 

This week, you’ll be reunited with an old nemesis. Time to fight?

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21) 

If you’re feeling down this week, remember that not everyone can be great. Some people have to be average, and you’re taking one for the team.

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19) 

It must be pretty gutting to know that even Matt Hancock is a bigger shagger than you. 

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