It’s been over a year since there has been a series of Love Island on our screens. But now, with the footie on, sun (somewhat) out and a bunch of half-dressed twenty-somethings on our screens, it feels like summer is truly here.

On Monday, there was a naive conversation in the office that, having been on a break, Love Island could possibly be #woke and feminist. But, within seconds, Love Island proved it was still committed to making those old-school feminists cry. And we wouldn’t want it any other way.

According to everyone’s favourite narrator, Iain Sterling, the Villa has gone through a refresh. If you can spot any differences, please let me know- it appears the Interior Designers still love that awful font and colour scheme. Lord knows why they have white bed sheets: thoughts and prayers are with the laundrette that has to scrape off the layers of sweaty fake tan that are ingrained into the duvet cover.

Speaking of the Villa, Iain insists on referring to it as “the santisied sex bubble”. I assumed that sanistised referred to Covid measures, but it appears it actually refers to the actions of the islanders, and the references to ‘sex’ are simply a lie. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

On Monday, we were introduced to our first islanders of 2021. The girls were first to enter, with most of them insisting that despite being pretty, they were not thick: as if Legally Blonde hadn’t already proven that beauty and brains was a possible combination 20 years ago. First in was Liberty, a student with surprisingly high GCSE grades, who declared in a thick brummie accent that she sounded like she had a ‘twinge of Essex’. She was joined by Kaz, already a favourite of mine after she declared she wants to be “railed”. You and me both, babe. Together, they struggled to open a bottle of prosecco and announced they needed a man. Such is the tone of Love Island.

Three other women then joined them: Faye, a letting agent who gives off ‘girl-boss-who-will-scam-you-out-of-our-deposit’ vibes; Sharon, who does something at Westminster regarding Brexit, who could have given scouse Hayley from 2018 an education; and Shannon, a page 3 girl. Shannon baffled me, because I am convinced that Page 3 was completely packed up by the time she’d be 18. It makes for some really disturbing maths.

The boys then came to pick which woman from a lineup they fancied, which was very 2021, very cool. There was Jake, whose personality is having a foot fetish and a hairy chest. There is Hugo, a fella with a nice job (teacher)- so obviously won’t get too far. There’s Brad, who lives with his nan, Aaron who is a babe but I literally cannot note another thing about him, and Toby, who is a semi-professional footballer, playing at something called “Hashtag United”. Go figure.

Faye turned out to be very popular among the boys. The first coupling up ended looking like this:

  • Jake and Liberty
  • Aaron and Shannon
  • Hugo and Sharon
  • Toby and Kaz
  • Brad and Faye

The first episode ended with some dares, bringing up some awful memories of the first day of freshers. Liberty claimed she hated kissing boys with, and I quote, “salty lips”- a statement that felt so Inbetweeners-Jay that I wonder whether she’s ever pulled. A dare required Toby to suck Kaz’s toes, resulting in certified-creep Jake filming it. Lord knows what he’ll do with the footage.

Of course, paradise was put into jeopardy during day two, when homewrecker Chloe came to destroy some 12-hour relationships of people who objectively don’t like each other. Chloe was clearly threatening as she was clearly a head girl back in the day. This episode also featured a scene of the girls working out, which can only be described as Carry-On-esque. I was half expecting a fake tit to pop out in homage to the late Dame Babs Windsor. We also learned that Liberty ‘toe-touched’ Jake in bed, likely not realising that he probably considers that third-base.

The episode largely focused on Chloe finding out which dull man she wants to couple up with, a cliffhanger resolved at the start of the next episode. I’m not going to build the tension: she chose Aaron- perhaps the sanest choice out of the lot. Unfortunately, this meant Shannon, who couldn’t care less for Aaron, was kicked out of the Villa. You could see her heart break as she realised she just lost a PLT deal. There was a lot of fuss about her having left, as if she hadn’t known everyone for 48 hours.

Other things to note from episode 3: Brad was challenged to kiss the person he found most attractive, as well as the one he found least attractive. Instead of choosing a lad or anyone other than the woman he was coupled up as the least attractive, like any normal person, he fully mugged off Faye. The girls also spent a bit of time objectifying the lads as they worked out, which is the nearest thing to a win feminism can claim. Jake and Liberty took their relationship to the next level (spooning). Yawn.

Episode 3 ended things with teasing us with two new lads, “Chuggs” and self-proclaimed “Mr Steal Your Girl”, Liam. The public decided that Chuggs would go on a date with Sharon- who had only just kissed Aaron, and Faye would go on a date with Liam. Faye was obviously delighted at this turn of events, having received a text that he was a bricklayer, which meant he was bound to be “fit”. Clearly she has not met some of the brickies that I have. Obviously, though, because it is Love Island, it turned out he was actually fit. Quelle surprise.

No one was more excited about Sharon’s text than Hugo, because he knew a rugby-playing Chuggs- and truly, how many can there be? Not only did Hugo know Chuggs, but I (yes, dear reader, ME) received a text from a friend telling me she knows Chuggs. It looks like Chuggs is the villa’s very own BNOC. We also found out that “Chuggs” is not a nickname about chugging pints (half-acceptable), but rather a very much unacceptable portmanteau of “cuddles and hugs”. Gag.

Episode 4 also proved that Jake has an unlimited capacity for being creepy- asking Liberty if he gives her “fanny flutters”, kissing her, and then farting. He is undoubtedly MY type on paper. Brad also revealed that he goes to get a latte with the lads every Saturday morning, making him surprisingly European. Who said Brexit means Brexit?

Other than the recoupling (girls choice), nothing of real note happened. Liberty, smitten with creepy Jake (though apparently not quite reciprocated) coupled up with him again. Sharon decided to make a rhyming pair with Aaron. Faye basically stuck the uppers up at Brad and chose sexy Welshman Liam. Kaz chose Toby- and they make quite the sweet pair. Chloe chose Hugo because he’s nice, leaving Chuggs and Brad single. Here we learned that a new girl, Rachel, will choose between the leftovers, kicking the loser out of the Villa. Good luck gal.

Leave a Reply