Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) 

If you delude yourself that you enjoy your own company this week, you can deal with being alone a lot better. 

Pisces (Feb 19- Mar 20) 

What good has choosing the high road ever done for anybody? Choose violence this week. 

Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19) 

You could meet someone who could become a big part of your life this week, Aries. The main thing to remember is, however, that heartbreak is always around the corner.

Taurus (Apr 20- May 20) 

It’s a good week for crying at your desk. 

Gemini (May 21- Jun 21) 

I can’t explain it, but the woman who knocked over all the cyclists at the Tour de France has big Gemini vibes. Don’t bring that energy anywhere this week.

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul  22) 

As we’re in the midst of Cancer season, remember the Cancer philosophy: it’s your party and you CAN cry if you want to. 

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) 

If you’re a Leo woman, have a great day! If you’re a Leo man… like… whatever.

Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22) 

Need a holiday? Work from home for a similar vibe without using your holiday allowance.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22) 

Libra is the sign of the scales. This week, you’ll probably need some moisturiser to deal with your scales.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22) 

Never forget to live, laugh, love, you basic b*tch x

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21) 

You’ll never be cool Sagittarius, so you may as well be comfortable. It’s a prime time to invest in crocs.

Capricorn  (Dec 22- Jan 19) 

This week you’ll be giving a tribute to Germany by failing to score. 

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