Another week of Love Island, as mind-numbing as the last. It’s been a difficult week of watching, that started with Chuggs and Brad fighting for the affections of Rachel. Chuggs referred to himself as “jugs”, the kind of Freudian slip that is bound to happen if you’re surrounded by girls in bikinis. Poor Chuggs lacked the kind of energy you need to seduce a girl, and ended up asking Rachel for a chat like he was her manager trying to broach the subject of inappropriate comments in the office. Trust me, if anyone recognises that energy, it’s me.

Rachel’s chats with Brad went far better- other than the fact that our modest Northern boy didn’t know what a ‘coq au vin’ was, let alone how to cool it. By the end of the episode, Rachel somehow found Brad’s “beautiful heart” despite him looking “like a fuckboy like a dick”. As such, Rachel got her Chuggs out and coupled up with Brad.

With the man with the biggest signet-ring energy having left the villa, it was time for the first hideaway visit of the season. For those unfamiliar, the hideaway is a private (read: full of cameras) bedroom where a couple (featuring a lingerie cladded girl, obvs) can do whatever couples do when they’re alone. Nominated for the hideaway was the island’s most stable couple, Jiberty. Alongside presumably toe-touching, they took turns giving erotic massages, and somehow the question of how many times they’d respectively been in love just popped out. This is one of those situations where I know I just do not have the mental strength to be in love island. If someone had their knuckles deep into my back and asked me about my history in love, there’d end up being a monologue about how I just don’t think I have the capacity to let my fragile little heartbreak again. A bit of a mood killer, imo. 

The following day, there was a couples brunch, which featured the same high-brow chat we expect from the islanders. A particular highlight was when Liam announced that he “needed to drop the kids off at the pool”. This is a thing you can only get away with if you’re ridiculously attractive. We mere mortals must make do with not announcing when we need a shite.

Despite a night alone with Liberty, Jake had the audacity to tell Libby that his head could be turned if another blonde entered the villa. And, because love’s course never did run smooth, especially when there are producers involved, we were teased with the entrance of two blondes coming to enter the villa.

Before that could happen, however, another cringey freshers game had to occur. This one was called “Knowing Me, Knowing You”, hosted by the island’s very own Alan Partridge, Hugo. It had the standard Love Island questions and we learned such salacious details as supposed-sex-fiend Kaz’s favourite sex position (a very exciting missionary) and that all the fellas would recouple with Head Girl Chloe. In response to her apparent popularity, Chloe said “don’t be jel, be reem”. At this point, my skin crawled. 

The tension really emerged when Hugo naively decided to admit his biggest turn off was “fake” girls- both physically and spiritually. The offence was shown on both Sharon and Faye’s faces: an impressive feat for two women whose faces should be technically paralysed due to the amount of injections they’ve had. Faye went off about the trauma of being flat-chested and having her parents pay for her to get bigger norks at the age of 18, and, bless, Hugo seemed to be sincerely sorry that he upset the women. Truthfully, it was a rookie error- had he had said something like “I don’t like women with more than 10% body fat”, no one on the island could have possibly been offended. You live and learn.

To cool off from the tension of the previous night, the girls were off for a girly brunch, somehow too naive to realise that the producers don’t do anything to be simply kind. Here, they gave the opportunity for two blondes, Millie and Lucinda, to steal away the men. It appeared all the men’s heads were turned, with Lucinda being a particular favourite. Wanting to get to know her better, one of the lads (God, they really are all the same to me) asked her what her ethnic background was. Turns out that she was not Italian as suspected, but her tan actually originates from St Tropez. Close enough.

I knew my interest in Love Island had started to tail off, as all I could think about was the Calipso-esque lolly Sharon was sucking on. Turns out, product placement does work. New girls Millie and Lucinda were treated to a three course dinner-date, with each course served with a different fella. As the dates were enjoyed, the other girls watched on from the balcony. If I had to watch someone I was dating date another girl, I think I’d just give in and throw myself off the balcony. They are truly stronger women than I am. 

Aaron, Brad and Hugo all enjoyed part of a date with Lucinda, with Aaron and Brad truly infatuated. Aaron made out to Sharon that instead of breaking up with her because he wanted to crack on with Lucinda, it was actually her personality flaws that caused it. Apparently Sharon being upset about Hugo’s comment just didn’t fly with Aaron, and her reluctance to being simply a walking womb was a deal-breaker. And there ended the island’s rhyming couple(t). 

The next day, Lucinda and Millie received some shit iced coffee, and we learned, unlike me in the previous paragraph, Chloe does not know what the word “infatuated” means. Another uncomfortable game called Line of Booty occured, in which the girls had to strip down, slide down a slide, dance in some water, feel up the lads and give them a snog. All very TT beer tent circa 2003. While Chloe gave Toby a massive, snakey kiss that pissed all the girls off, and Hugo failed to get a snog, the best bit was Rachel hitting her head on a fence as she fell off the slide. A moment of clumsiness that makes her a bit of me. Luckily, her extensions protected her head. Thank God. 

Finally, the last episode of the week saw Liberty blue-balling Jake by wearing her sexiest lingerie to bed. Jake has supposedly realised that he is very lucky with Liberty, and it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that none of the other girls fancy him. Luckily for Jake, Liberty realised she was falling for him after a date, and so there is no more blue-balling the wee foot-fetishist. 

Other things to note of the episode: Millie was wearing no knickers under her presumably PLT dress: a move only done by the thinnest of girls. If it were me on the island, I’d be sat there with a glass of wine in hand, whispering to the lads that I was spanxed up to my tits. Lucinda also discussed the fact she thought that Brad was coming on too strong, which just feels like a bit of karmic retribution for his twatty behaviour. And finally, we were teased with yet another handsome fella entering the villa. God help us all. 

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