Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Someone who will change your world will enter your life, Aquarius. Unfortunately, it’ll be at the end of the year. Hang tight and be bored until then, I guess?
Pisces (Feb 19- Mar 20)
If ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away, try harder.
Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Aries are known as a ‘fiery’ sign. You know that else is fiery? Thrush. This week is a good time to pipe down.
Taurus (Apr 20- May 20)
Take this week to relax Taurus. I’m not usually this nice but Christ knows you need it.
Gemini (May 21- Jun 21)
Recreate Love Island this weekend by getting in a bikini and going feral in Port Erin.
Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)
Life is a balancing act. This week, it’s time to let gravity do its thing, and just fall.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
If Jeremy Clarkson can redeem himself by working on a farm, so can you. Although, in fairness, he doesn’t have to deal with the natural disadvantage of being a Leo.
Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22)
Time to book a holiday, Virgo. You’re probably, despite being a big adult, desperate to get to Paperchase before the new school year, aren’t you?
Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
If you’re single, get back on Tinder. Largely because I’ve completed it and I need new meat. This only applies to fit Libras.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22)
Everyone thinks I’ve been too hard on Scorpios. But, really, it’s because I’m in love with a Scorpio and trying to deflect my emotions by having a hard exterior. So Katie, if you’re reading this, PLEASE call me back….
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Are you a free spirit or are you just really irresponsible? Something to reflect on this week, Sagittarius.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)
Remember that your body is a temple: make sure people take their shoes off before they enter you.