Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) 

If you have something to share with the world, and you don’t know how to say it: interpretive dance is always a winner.

Pisces (Feb 19- Mar 20) 

A strong feeling of surprising ease always proceeds to the realisation that you’ve failed to do something. If things feel hard, maybe you should be thankful. 

Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19) 

Maybe it’s time to stop scrolling through Instagram. Have you like… picked up a book recently?

Taurus (Apr 20- May 20) 

This week will see a huge influx of emails in your inbox! Good luck trying to hide from them!

Gemini (May 21- Jun 21) 

This week, someone will confide something about themselves to you. Try not to look too bored about the fact they’re not talking about you.

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul  22) 

I am using my horoscopes to manifest now. So Cancer, you will have a huge windfall of money and opportunities and also have a hot girl summer. 

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) 

If you’re seeking attention, may I suggest running as an MHK?

Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22) 

Flirty energy is headed your way. Unfortunately, it is from the perv at the bus stop. Don’t be ungrateful.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22) 

You’re reflecting on your career. Unfortunately, your boss isn’t. Hope you’re happy where you are!

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22) 

UPDATE: Katie took me for a train ride, which I thought meant I was in, but turns out she’s not a lesbian (which she told me, nicely). If there are any Scorpios who are up for receiving my affections, I’d appreciate someone who isn’t totally ungrateful (like Katie). 

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21) 

This is your sign to go on a run. Yes, it’s f*cking horrible, but think of how sanctimonious you’ll feel after. 

Capricorn  (Dec 22- Jan 19) 

The more friends you have, the greater the chance of being contact traced. Best thing to do is be alone.

Leave a Reply