Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
If you have something to share with the world, and you don’t know how to say it: interpretive dance is always a winner.
Pisces (Feb 19- Mar 20)
A strong feeling of surprising ease always proceeds to the realisation that you’ve failed to do something. If things feel hard, maybe you should be thankful.
Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Maybe it’s time to stop scrolling through Instagram. Have you like… picked up a book recently?
Taurus (Apr 20- May 20)
This week will see a huge influx of emails in your inbox! Good luck trying to hide from them!
Gemini (May 21- Jun 21)
This week, someone will confide something about themselves to you. Try not to look too bored about the fact they’re not talking about you.
Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)
I am using my horoscopes to manifest now. So Cancer, you will have a huge windfall of money and opportunities and also have a hot girl summer.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
If you’re seeking attention, may I suggest running as an MHK?
Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22)
Flirty energy is headed your way. Unfortunately, it is from the perv at the bus stop. Don’t be ungrateful.
Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
You’re reflecting on your career. Unfortunately, your boss isn’t. Hope you’re happy where you are!
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22)
UPDATE: Katie took me for a train ride, which I thought meant I was in, but turns out she’s not a lesbian (which she told me, nicely). If there are any Scorpios who are up for receiving my affections, I’d appreciate someone who isn’t totally ungrateful (like Katie).
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
This is your sign to go on a run. Yes, it’s f*cking horrible, but think of how sanctimonious you’ll feel after.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)
The more friends you have, the greater the chance of being contact traced. Best thing to do is be alone.