Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
This is not only your hot girl summer, but it’s your boiling girl summer. Your global warming girl summer. Your far too hot, sweating like mad girl summer.
Pisces (Feb 19- Mar 20)
If you’re realising that your paycheque is a little lacking, whack some lippy on and get to Athol Street to find your sugar daddy. This is a gender non-specific horoscope, btw.
Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19)
If you’re looking for love this week, it’s about as likely as the prom getting finished this week. Pray for a miracle?
Taurus (Apr 20- May 20)
Don’t let anyone bring negativity in your life this week, Taurus. If you want to have ice cream for breakfast, that is a valid choice.
Gemini (May 21- Jun 21)
Don’t be scared of commitment! Starting a 10-series long box set might just be what you need.
Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)
Any pain you are feeling can be cured by spending money. Thank god for pay day.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
You’re so vain, you probably think that this horoscope was written specifically for you.
Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22)
You’ll have to do a load of dull, administrative tasks this week. This is possibly the best news a Virgo could have.
Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
A connection with Uranus will bring pain. Take it slow out there.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22)
Taking a big journey? Make sure you don’t forget something VERY important.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
The alignment of stars may be to blame for your lack of energy this week, Sagittarius. Or it might be Covid. It might be smart to get tested, if you can manage to find a test.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)
This week, someone may offer to inject you. If it’s a nurse, say yes. If it’s a random man in a Douglas flat, say no.