AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
Seeking reassurance? Head to a nightclub bathroom and ask one of the drunk girls for some support. They always come through.
PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20)
A task may feel pointless this week, but is it as pointless as an art history degree?
ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19)
Time to quit Tinder and find love the old-fashioned way: up Douglas head.
TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20)
What you’re searching for is out there: it’s just hidden in plain sight, like a banging purchase on the racks of TK Maxx.
GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21)
Saving money might sound appealing this week, but you know what else is appealing? Having a good time while you’re young.
CANCER (JUN 22 – JUL 22)
A new LinkedIn connection could bring lucrative opportunities… but more likely they’ll just be trying to sell you something.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
It’s nice to do something for yourself. But have you considered doing something for someone else, for a change?
VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22)
This is a sign from God (me) to get a mullet.
LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22)
They say you can’t win the race if you’re not in the race, but I can confirm you will not win the lottery this week. Sorry Libra x
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22)
It’s a good week to experiment with your sexuality. Ever tried a spot of homosexuality? Could be a good time for you.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 – DEC 21)
A brutal hangover is on the cards. Hydrate x
CAPRICORN (DEC 22- JAN 19)
SHOCKING NEWS: the world does not revolve around you. Try and recover from learning that this week.