AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18) 

Seeking reassurance? Head to a nightclub bathroom and ask one of the drunk girls for some support. They always come through. 

PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20) 

A task may feel pointless this week, but is it as pointless as an art history degree? 

ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19) 

Time to quit Tinder and find love the old-fashioned way: up Douglas head.

TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20) 

What you’re searching for is out there: it’s just hidden in plain sight, like a banging purchase on the racks of TK Maxx. 

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21) 

Saving money might sound appealing this week, but you know what else is appealing? Having a good time while you’re young.

CANCER (JUN 22 – JUL  22) 

A new LinkedIn connection could bring lucrative opportunities… but more likely they’ll just be trying to sell you something. 

LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22) 

It’s nice to do something for yourself. But have you considered doing something for someone else, for a change?

VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22) 

This is a sign from God (me) to get a mullet. 

LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22) 

They say you can’t win the race if you’re not in the race, but I can confirm you will not win the lottery this week. Sorry Libra x

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22) 

It’s a good week to experiment with your sexuality. Ever tried a spot of homosexuality? Could be a good time for you.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 – DEC 21) 

A brutal hangover is on the cards. Hydrate x

CAPRICORN  (DEC 22- JAN 19) 

SHOCKING NEWS: the world does not revolve around you. Try and recover from learning that this week.

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