AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
This is your sign to send that risky text. Do the stars say it’s a good idea? Let’s not worry about that.
PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20)
As one of the kindest signs, have you ever just considered taking a break from being nice? Just be a bit of a bastard for a week? Might be a refreshing change.
ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19)
Stressed, worried, overworked? Just light a candle. It’s how Catholics have been dealing with their problems for years.
TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20)
This week is a good time to reflect on whether you’re the Samantha of your friendship group, or whether you just overshare details of your sex life.
GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21)
If you’re in need of being humbled (and, god, you are), go on a social media hiatus and see if anyone notices.
CANCER (JUN 22 – JUL 22)
Sometimes in life, all you need is a bit of fake tan to give you the confidence to face the day.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
If someone who drives a Range Rover approaches you, run. They aren’t dangerous, it’s just very likely that they’re a wanker.
VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22)
Sometimes in life, you have to buy yourself flowers. Or chocolates. Or 6 shots of sambuca. Whatever fills you with a bit of joy.
LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22)
As one of the least organised signs, you need this warning: get sorted with your Hop-Tu-Naa costume now or face having to cut holes in your bed sheets.
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22)
Don’t wait for Halloween to dress slutty: be brave and dress slutty whenever you want. I believe in you.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 – DEC 21)
The big bad world is scary. Stay in bed this week.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22- JAN 19)
Remember to enjoy everything in moderation, even Netflix series.