AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18) 

This is your sign to send that risky text. Do the stars say it’s a good idea? Let’s not worry about that.

PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20) 

As one of the kindest signs, have you ever just considered taking a break from being nice? Just be a bit of a bastard for a week? Might be a refreshing change.

ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19) 

Stressed, worried, overworked? Just light a candle. It’s how Catholics have been dealing with their problems for years.

TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20) 

This week is a good time to reflect on whether you’re the Samantha of your friendship group, or whether you just overshare details of your sex life.

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21) 

If you’re in need of being humbled (and, god, you are), go on a social media hiatus and see if anyone notices. 

CANCER (JUN 22 – JUL  22) 

Sometimes in life, all you need is a bit of fake tan to give you the confidence to face the day.

LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)

If someone who drives a Range Rover approaches you, run. They aren’t dangerous, it’s just very likely that they’re a wanker. 

VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22) 

Sometimes in life, you have to buy yourself flowers. Or chocolates. Or 6 shots of sambuca. Whatever fills you with a bit of joy. 

LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22) 

As one of the least organised signs, you need this warning: get sorted with your Hop-Tu-Naa costume now or face having to cut holes in your bed sheets. 

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22) 

Don’t wait for Halloween to dress slutty: be brave and dress slutty whenever you want. I believe in you. 

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 – DEC 21) 

The big bad world is scary. Stay in bed this week. 

CAPRICORN  (DEC 22- JAN 19) 

Remember to enjoy everything in moderation, even Netflix series. 

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