AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
Enjoyed the fireworks? Good, because that’s the only bang you’ll be getting this November.
PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20)
Be cautious about who you accept advice from. Not everyone who says you “would suit a fringe” has good intentions.
ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19)
A new direction is beckoning you, Aries. It’s North-bound to Jurby. You’re going to jail.
TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20)
Feel like you’ve got no purpose this week? Maybe your purpose is just to fuel the economy. That is fine. Spend that cash.
GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21)
Found yourself in an embarrassing situation that you can’t come back from? Easiest solution is to get some surgery and change your identity. You’re welcome.
CANCER (JUN 22 – JUL 22)
Sad about your relationship status. Head to Tinder this week and realise that you’re better off alone. Trust me.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
You will have attention from an unwanted admirer this week. However, attention is attention so you’ll LOVE it.
VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22)
Craving chaos? Send some drunk texts.
LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22)
Is a fear of intimacy holding you back from dating, or are you just undesirable? Something to reflect on this week.
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22)
You’re all about spontaneity this week. A Thursday night pint? Calm down, party animal.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 – DEC 21)
Bored? Why not stir up some drama?
CAPRICORN (DEC 22- JAN 19)
Growing a moustache for movember is a great thing to do. Looking like you should be on Crimewatch for a month to raise awareness for men’s issues? A noble deed.