AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18) 

You’re never too old to try something new, unless that something is skateboarding. Grow up. 

PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20) 

Scared of abandonment? Act really, really clingy. That’s bound to work. 

ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19) 

Being more open-minded sounds like a great idea until you find yourself at some stranger’s house at 4 in the morning, wanting your Mum to pick you up while said strangers are doing some truly weird shit. 

TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20) 

Need to confront someone about something? The best way is after a bottle of wine. Probably. 

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21) 

You’ll find out a spicy secret this week. Unfortunately, you’ll be too drunk to remember it in the morning. 

CANCER (JUN 22 – JUL  22) 

Accept change. If things didn’t change, we’d all be rocking about with our ‘07 side fringe. 

LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)

Violence is never the answer. Instead, leave passive aggressive notes. 

VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22) 

You can’t avoid accountability. You’re not Boris Johnson. 

LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22) 

If the last time you changed your bedsheets was in 2021 (or, God forbid, before), this is your sign to get some clean sheets. Immediately. 

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22) 

Looking for a new hobby? Please, god, don’t let it be playing the ukulele. But, if you do decide to pick it up, please don’t subject the public to listening to it. Thanks. 

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 – DEC 21) 

Got problems? Buy a new candle, light the new candle, sorted. 

CAPRICORN  (DEC 22- JAN 19) 

The thing you have been waiting for will finally happen this week: payday. 

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