Gef readers share their dating horror stories

Valentine’s.

If you’re off the market, you’re probably putting up photos of bouquets of flowers with the caption ‘boy did good’. If you’re single, you’re probably celebrating the holiday by rolling your eyes at said Instagram posts.

Misery loves company. That’s why your cynical pal Gef has rounded up some of the best reader dating disasters.

“He told me he’d like me to meet his penis one day”

One reader told Gef that she was set up by someone friends to go to the cinema to watch a Harry Potter rerun. Her date told her that his penis was called Harold* and that he’d like her to meet him one day. There was no second date, but our reader still has to see him every fortnight during one of their shared hobbies.

*Penis name changed to preserve his anonymity

“Basically, I accidentally pursued my ex-boyfriend’s sister’s ex-thing who had broke her heart”

The island is a small place. One reader has a typical Isle of Man dating story.

During a ‘post-traumatic breakup’ with a fella called Tom (not his real name), our heartbroken reader decided she’d put the final nail in the coffin by making, her way through her ex’s sport team, which she confesses was a ‘terrible idea’.

She went out with one of the guys, Matty (not his real name) from her ex’s team. She never mentioned to Matty that she had dated Tom, but she acknowledged that she knew him.

Her heart dropped when Matty told her he had been seeing Tom’s sister a while back.

Tom’s sister had once cried to her about being led on by some guy called Matty (she never divulged the surname, or that it was her brother’s teammate0 but she was seriously upset by the way he had treated her.

“So”, our reader told us, “I basically accidentally pursued my ex-boyfriend’s sister’s ex-thing who had broken her heart”.

“He bought me tickets to Manchester United. I am a City fan”

Our reader’s now husband of 10 year years planned her a surprise for their 1 year of dating. He wouldn’t tell her what they were doing.

She is a Manchester City fan, he is a Manchester United fan.

A few days before the anniversary, he gives her a card. Inside? Two tickets to watch Manchester United v Blackburn Rovers.

He was genuinely confused to why she was “miffed” about this. His thought process was that “well, you like Manchester and I thought it’d be rude not to go to a game while we’re there”. A game seeing HIS football team.

This wasn’t her husband’s only gift. For their one year (otherwise known as ‘paper’) wedding anniversary, he bought her loo roll, thinking he was hilarious.

“He showed up to the lakeside with a mug. A mug ringed with the film of 567 cups of tea. He said that he ‘never stops drinking tea, so what’s the point in washing it?”

Buckle up, this story is long and contains a whole load of red flags- and is possibly the worst date we’ve heard of.

Our reader’s tinder date had not only used the dog face snapchat filter on most of his photos, but also used his brother’s video clips, so his voice was different.

The date included him pulling up to a lakeside with a mug ringed with the film of 567 cups of tea and an aggressive insistence that, when our reader got cold, she wore his jumper, not his. The romantic intent was there.

He drove them to get noodles, but wanted to show her the house he would one day inherit. He pulled up in front of wrong house, to show her the kitchen she could “stay in” (she laughed, he did not).

When they go to the noodle place, he loudly recommends asking for a small portion once they’ve filled a large box to avoid paying the full price. The staff and customers all clock this thrifty trick: our reader covers the cost out of mortification.


When they get back to his, the noodles had fused together and gone cold. He burped constantky.

When our reader decides she wants to be off, he insists on driving her the 5 minute walk-home. He makes a 57 minute detour to show where his ex lives. The prison.


He kept telling her he wishes he could tell her about his ‘dark past’. Eventually he takes her home, where he tops her phone up with credit so she would have no reason not to respond to his messages. We can think of a few…

Thank you to everyone who shared their stories!

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