AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18) 

A gift from a secret admirer might appear this week. It’s from your Mum. She feels sorry for you. 

PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20) 

Titanic. Romeo and Juliet. Up. All the great romances end in heartbreak. Anyway, enjoy your Valentines. 

ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19) 

Love will tear you apart. Use lube. 

TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20) 

Candles and rose petals will make tonight very special, even if you are alone. 

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21) 

Big, romantic gestures are a fantastic way to humiliate yourself this Valentine’s day. 

CANCER (JUN 22 – JUL  22) 

Just remember that Valentine’s is like every other day of the year- which means you’re going to cry about your love life.  

LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)

Give the person you love a little kiss this Valentine’s Day by kissing the mirror. 

VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22) 

This is a great time to focus on your family, work, friendships. Anything but your love life, essentially.

LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22) 

If you miss your ex, take a leaf out of Kanye’s book. 

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22) 

If you’re hoping to enjoy your Valentine’s, just remember that, looking at your birth date, your parents really enjoyed their Valentine’s one year, too. 

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 – DEC 21) 

Something about the moon and alignment of the stars means this is a terrible time for communication. Do not send drunk texts. Also do as I say, not as I do. 

CAPRICORN  (DEC 22- JAN 19) 

Valentine’s day feeling torturous? Go to bed early to make the day shorter AND wake up refreshed. Win-win. 

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