For the chronically single, TT is the most exciting time of the year. Instead of seeing the same faces over and over again on Tinder (nothing is quite as humbling as thinking ‘they’ve been on the shelf a while’ and realising, you too, have been on there quite a while), fresh, limited edition meat hits the shelves. Here’s the guide you didn’t know you needed for smashing Tinder- and hopefully getting smashed- this TT.

Do the background checks

Remember life before the world wide web at our fingertips? If you met someone, you’d just have to take their word that they’re single. Now, however, you have the power to do a wee Facebook/Instagram/LinkedIn search. See they’re married and think that cheating doesn’t count if you’re on the island? Run.

Don’t spend a day at the races

What’s a cuter first date idea than a local taking a bike enthusiast to the races? Imagine: it’s gloriously sunny, and you’ve got your M&S picnic, ready for a day of racing. You find the perfect spot, where the conversation flows over a few tinnies. The racing begins, and you’re both full of adrenaline. It’s a great race- and once it’s over, you don’t want your date to end- so you stay out to the early hours, dancing, chatting, drinking. By the end of the night, your frosty, frosty heart has melted just a little bit.

Sweet right? Maybe, but here’s the more likely scenario: you meet up. Your date is committed to finding the perfect spot- which they look for endlessly, dragging you through mud, hedges and through sweaty crowds. You love the TT- of course you do- but have the races always been this… long? You’re trying to break the ice a bit, but it turns out your date has one real passion (bikes) and doesn’t get it when you slip in a cheeky Peep Show reference (usually a crowd pleaser). Apparently any attempt at conversation is a distraction from the bikes zooming past- so you’re there, standing in silence, unable to escape. It’s not worth the risk. Stick to a pub date.

Find out where they’re staying as early as possible

Don’t fancy a night in a campsite? Find out their accommodation as soon as you can to stop disappointment. If they’re on the other side of the course, it’s a no-go: no one wants to be stuck in last night’s clothes trying to get home while the roads are closed. 

Tip: if you’re both chronically skint and chronically single (I hear you, I feel your pain), try and use this opportunity to get a luxury staycation. Never been able to justify paying for a night in one of those gorgeous yurts? This is your chance. 

Be careful on Senior Race Day

Senior Race Day will be, undeniably, buzzing out. It’s a bank holiday and everyone wants to make the most of the last night of TT. Everyone will be out. Everyone. That means all your exes, all your tinder matches from the week. Just be on the watch to make sure you don’t have any awkward situs. I also want to stress, again, that everyone will be out. Your Mum. Your Uncles. Your boss. If you’re showing a bit of PDA, be conscious who is around and seeing your arse being groped in the middle of the pub. 

Expect language barriers

The beauty of TT is that people come from all around the world to enjoy it. While many people across the world speak English, not many understand the beautiful ‘heyboy’ dialect. Be patient with our foreign friends: trying to understand someone from Port Erin is hard for those of us who grew up on the island, let alone hundreds of miles away.

Tents do not have soundproof walls

Do with this information what you will.

Sharing a sleeping bag is not romantic

Avoid the deeply sweaty experience and don’t stay the night. Chivalry is dead, sleeping well is in. 

Wrap it up

Once again, I am taking charge of the island’s public health strategy regarding sexual health (someone has to). Monkeypox is not a sexy look. Wrap it up lads. 

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Accidents happen. The last thing you need is to find yourself knocked up this July, searching desperately on Facebook for a ‘Claude’ from ‘France’ to pay some child support. There’s a cost of living crisis, after all.