Ask Auntie Gef: I don’t look like the girls in p*rn

Dear Auntie Gef,

Me and my partner decided to watch porn together, now I don’t mind he watches porn, I do it too, but I’m just worried that I don’t look anything like the girls he wanted to watch. We have a good sex life and we’re both very open minded about new things to try, but this has just got me feeling a bit meh and unsexy.

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your message, this is a big one I’m sure a lot of people have internalised. That’s what she said. THIS IS NO TIME FOR MICHAEL SCOTT REFERENCES. Okay. To business.

Firstly, I think it’s brilliant that you and your partner have such an open-minded sex life. It sounds like your communication with each other is really solid, which is the ultimate foundation on which to build excellent shagging experiences.

Now. Porn. The world of porn is a messy place. Literally and metaphorically. It’s also a fantasy. It’s the sex equivalent of any Michael Bay film in terms of its realism. From the story lines – most of which are more realistic than Michael Bay films – to the way the actors have sex and how they look. It’s not representative of real people. Nor is it supposed to be. It’s designed to have the allure of the unattainable. But knowing that doesn’t really matter. It can still feel alienating and deflating when the people we watch on screen who are supposed to be representing us look nothing like us. Especially when our partners seem to aroused by them.

A recent example, (though not a female example I feel it still helps get the point across), is the Jeremy White Calvin Klein campaign. People went nuts over it, either wanting to be him or shag him because of his ripped physique. So, I looked into what it actually took for some famous actors to get into ‘peak shape’ the rest of us normal people lust after.

In an article online, celebrity trainer Mark Twight revealed what Hugh Jackman had to go through to get into shape for the shirtless scenes in Wolverine. It involved losing as much water weight and fat as quickly as possible. To prep, Hugh Jackman spent 90 days drinking ‘an obscene amount of water’ before 1 and a half days of completely dehydrating himself. This on top of working out 2 hours a day and being on a hyper strict diet. On the days of shooting, he reported feeling dizzy and disoriented. The ripped look he displayed is the product of several weeks of prep for those specific shoot days. It’s not sustainable, and is highly dangerous even with personal nutritionists and trainers. And is the sort of crazy regime actresses and adult film performers will also experience.

Women have been forced to participate in and conform to beauty standards created by men for centuries. I know there are different categories of porn to watch that are more inclusive in terms of how different bodies look but the western mainstream, as always, displays thin, able-bodied people as the pinnacle of success. We’ve been programmed through the media to think that it actually matters what people other than ourselves think of our bodies, and that anything outside of that ‘pinnacle of success’ is unhealthy or abnormal. A problem needing to be fixed through capitalistic means; paying for a gym membership, buying nicer clothes and make-up, getting botox etc. The body that is statistically the least common and the hardest to achieve is the body that is sold to us. Which is why so many women don’t feel comfortable in their own skin, are self-depreciating, develop eating disorders, or, as you say, feel ‘meh’ and ‘unsexy’. The image society is selling us makes women feel ashamed. And shame is a very difficult foundation on which to build self worth, which is the main thing we should be focused on building within ourselves so we don’t need external validation. Difficult under the circumstances when a capitalist society relies upon you not loving yourself and constantly wanting to be ‘better’ to function. But it’s not impossible. There are ways you can take small steps to be kinder to yourself and build up body positivity.

Hopefully that bit of background info has been comforting on some level but back to the matter at hand. I understand the stories we tell ourselves can feel incredibly real but just because your partner chose to watch certain types of women on porn doesn’t mean he wants you to look like that. He has chosen you in real life. I would bring it up with him and focus on what your partner is saying about you. Hopefully, he’s frequently making you feel good about yourself. If he’s not, give me his name and address. I’ve got a Margaret Thatcher mask and a lead rounders bat that can help him see the light. However, a more kneecap friendly course of action: If he’s not being super generous with his adoration of you, it’s not a crime to ask for some words of affirmation. Especially if that’s your dominant Love Language. And in expressing your insecurity, it might give your partner an opportunity to open up about some of his too, leading to common ground and a stronger appreciation of each other, which is sure-fire route to great sex.

My alternative course of action would be to make your own porn film with your partner. That way, when you watch it back together, you’ll look exactly like the people on screen.

Best of luck.

Love,

Auntie Gef

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