Inside The Amazing Men’s Mental Health Charity Where ‘No Problem is Too Small’

Since the mass viewing of Netflix’s Adolescence, the discussion around male mental health has been on the tip of everyone’s tongues from a parliamentary level to the average Joe on the street. Even if it’s just to say ‘I haven’t seen Adolescence, STOP GOING ON ABOUT IT.’ And sat quietly in the middle of the storm of discussion is a new charity on the Isle of Man designed to help prevent some of the issues – male loneliness and isolation – addressed in the Netflix series and break the dangerous stigma that men can’t and shouldn’t speak about their feelings.

It’s called Ed’s Man Club.

What is Ed’s Man Club?

It’s a safe space for men to talk about their mental health. A place where they can open up without any judgment. And it’s free.

It was created by Dan and his cousin Shirley after a family member took his own life last year. They hope the Club can help other people struggling with their mental health and provide an outlet that could be lifesaving.

There are just three rules at the club.

• No talk about football.
• No talk about religion.
• No talk about criminal activity unless the person has been a victim of it.

How it works is, you turn up and are greeted by one of the volunteers to make sure you’re not alone, you don’t have to give your name or any details about yourself. You’re given a free drink and some biscuits, then asked to sit in a circle alongside other participants that are there.

The volunteer leading the session will ask 5 questions, 3 that encourage personal reflection, and 2 light-hearted ones. A ball is then passed around the circle, only the person with the ball can talk. But there’s no pressure to speak, you can pass the ball on as many times as you like. The main thing is you talk when you feel comfortable enough too, no matter how long that takes, and, in the meantime, you can simply listen to other people’s stories, get used to hearing men open up, and bond with new people.

‘It’s a really simple process, which is working very well’ Dan tells me. ‘The questions were designed by psychologists to encourage people to open up but also be fun.’

Ed’s Man Club had its first meeting in January of this year and has 13 volunteers and has opened a similar club for women called ‘Women’s Talk’. They’re also opening another Ed’s Man Club in Ramsey on the 19th of June and hoping to expand to Castletown and Peel next year.

How’s the uptake?

‘It’s gone really well.’ Dan tells me. ‘Lots of people turn up from word of mouth. Some guys come along with a friend at first, until they feel comfortable, others just turn up for one session. Some come along and they think their problems aren’t big enough, but no problem is too small. A small problem to me, could be a massive problem to somebody else, and vice versa. We’re all completely different. We’re here to validate that.’

Ed’s Man Club has had people use the service from the age of 18 right up to 70 from all backgrounds, differences that Dan says are left at the door upon arrival.

‘Social statuses, religions, sexual orientations, none of it matters, when you come in you’re just a man who’s present in the room like everyone else. Everybody’s equal and that’s how we all see each other. And it really is amazing to see.’

Simon & James’ Experience

Simon started off as a user of the service and is now also a volunteer at Ed’s Man Club. He saw it advertised online at a time when he was struggling with his mental health and had been for a few years, so he went along to see what it was all about.

‘Whilst I’ve struggled, I’ve always tried to look for something that’s going to help me, whether that be employers’ assistance schemes where they provide some counselling and therapy or the same through my GP. I always try and find a way of getting myself out of that state. What I found with Ed’s Man Club was that everything the club said it was – non-judgemental and a safe space – is exactly what it is. We’ve had people say before that they’ve been to a professional and ended up feeling a bit judged, whereas here, they’re not, and that helps relax people into opening up more. None of us shy away from mental health because we really need to talk about it, and guys just aren’t talking about it.’

As a volunteer, Simon will still use the Club as a way to get things off his chest but says in the weeks where he has nothing to talk about, it’s nice to be able to support others there.

‘Being a volunteer and being able to help others really gave me a sense of purpose. And I think one of the beauties of it is that it’s peer to peer. None of us in that room are experts. We are just normal blokes from every walk of life, who have been through experiences that we might want to talk about in a safe setting where we can also give and receive advice.’

Simon cites the regularity of Ed’s Man Club as being a key source of hope.

‘I think it’s easy to end up on a downward spiral that you can’t get out of. But the regularity of Ed’s Man Club means people have access to support every week for free. I can be very up and down but for me, knowing that I have EMC every Thursday gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. Being able to regularly talk through problems and receive advice has been keeping me on a more even keel.’

Meanwhile, service user James (not his real name), who heard about Ed’s Man Club online, says it’s the structure of the sessions that he finds to be the most important aspect.

‘The sessions have both structure and flow to them, which you wouldn’t necessarily get with professional services. They tend to stick to the guidelines, ticking off a checklist, and analysing your behaviours. Some people don’t just want a label. They want an outlet, sometimes that’s more important. And that’s what Ed’s Man Club offers.’

The main apprehension about going to the Club for James was the aspect of anonymity with the Isle of Man being so small.

‘I was worried because you’re always going to bump into people. But there hasn’t been any bias, and that’s certainly helped within the group. If you do know or recognise people there, you don’t need to worry about being judged. You can see these people out and about and know they’ll treat you like a friend.’

On that note, Dan tells me that when volunteers see group users out-and-about they don’t say hello. But that’s not because they’re being rude.

‘Protecting the anonymity of our users is vital. It’s because sometimes the guys who come along, the partners or families might not know they’re using the service and they want to keep it that way. If we then put them in a position of saying hello to them, it could lead to questions. So, our volunteers will always wait for one of the guys to say hello to us before we say hello to them.’

Dan’s Experience

Speaking of Dan, he told me he had to make a conscious effort to open up, something he wasn’t used to doing. But he couldn’t run a charity that encourages men to be open about their feelings and emotions while remaining bottled up. That’d just be hypocritical.

‘I had to lead by example, so I opened up, and I can’t believe the amount of support I received in return. There were so many answers coming back at me, and I just mentally found myself thinking “why do I not speak about my feelings more?” Instead of trying to hide everything and do ‘the big manly thing’ of, yeah, everything’s all right, the difference you feel opening up on those Thursday nights is incredible, I end up going home absolutely buzzing.’

Why is it important to have clubs like this?

With a prevalent number of male suicides in the Isle of Man, the aim of Ed’s Man Club is to do what it can to try and help bring that number down. Getting men used to opening up could help that.

‘We’ve got quite a few mental health services over here. They’re all at a certain point on the timeline and where we are is that part just before anybody would go to attempt to take their own life, or when they’re in that stage of really considering it, and they’re really struggling.’ Says Dan.

‘I don’t think there’s anything quite like this on the island’ Simon adds. ‘Because of the way it’s structured and how regular it is and the fact that it’s aim is to get men talking. And that’s what it’s all about, breaking that stigma. Because we don’t talk, we don’t, not all of us. And from that talking, a real sense of friendship and camaraderie can occur, which can help men actually process their emotions and feel less alone.’

Simon goes onto talk about the generational differences between men when it comes to judging those who choose to open up about their feelings.

‘I can think back to a time in my past where I told my dad I was going to see a therapist, and his words were, “what are you going to talk to them about? Why are you doing that?” as if I was doing something wrong, when actually I was trying to get help. Obviously that mindset comes from different generations. I was brought up to not be open about my emotions, you know, like “why are you crying”. And yet, I spoke to my dad on Tuesday, and I explained to him what I was doing with Ed’s Man Club, and he was telling me how proud he was of what I was doing.’

Ed’s Man Club places Pocket Hugs (like the ones above) around the Island in suicide ‘hot spots’.

How to encourage people to go

If you’re reading this and thinking it sounds like something you would like to go, Dan, Simon, and Joe want to assure you that it’s totally normal and okay to be apprehensive before coming.

‘I think everybody, volunteers and participants, we’ve all felt that apprehension. Sometimes the most difficult step is coming through the door for the first time. But there’s no pressure. Somebody can sit and get comfortable for as many sessions as they’d like until they’re in a place where they feel like they want to share.’ Simon says.

‘We’ve seen people go past Thursday after Thursday, and it’s taken them a couple of weeks to come in, but we are glad when they do.’ Dan adds. ‘We know how real that imposter syndrome can feel but your problems are valid, they are big enough, and you are justified in being here. Nobody is judging you for the size of your problem, we’re here to support you. And we have guys on the door looking out for people who are sitting struggling in the car, because it does happen, and they will gently go and ask if they’d like to come in. But I’d say to anyone, don’t be scared of what’s on the other side of the door, because it’s genuinely just a room full of like-minded people who want to help you. We’ve all got each other’s backs, and we’re all there to support each other.’

If you would like to find out more information about Ed’s Man Club, you can do so via their Facebook page.