Gef Feature: To have kids or to not have kids?

I never gave much thought to having kids until I had a breakdown in the NSC café where a 5-year-old was having a birthday bash. It livened up what I’m sure all the children there would agree was a very forgettable party. Boxes of raisins aren’t party favours, Sebastian.

At an age where most of my friends have families, I was smacked with the sudden question of whether or not I wanted to have children. It wasn’t until my early twenties I realised that not having them was an option in life for me as a woman. The trigger was simple, a throwaway comment from my Mum who said:

‘I could imagine you not having kids.’

I felt affronted. ‘WHY NOT?’ I thought. ‘WHAT ARE YOU SAYING IS WRONG WITH ME, MUM?’ And yet, I didn’t really know why I reacted this way. I’d never talked about wanting to be a mum, I just assumed it was something everyone did and if you chose not to you were selfish, weird, or both. It wasn’t until Seb’s shit party that I decided to reflect properly on that moment and try to unpick why I reacted that way.

It feels like growing up to be a mother was drip-fed into my subconscious starting from, ironically, childhood, with toys. I was never a massive fan of dolls, but I had a ‘My Baby All Gone’. She came with a plastic spoon and jar of cherries. You’d put the spoon into the jar, cherries would appear on it, put the spoon to the baby’s mouth and the cherries would disappear. I was hooked on the magic and would sit for hours feeding the baby. Playing with dolls absolutely isn’t a bad thing, it helps develop empathy and care giving skills (not in my case with my baby later having lost a leg to Type 4 Diabetes) but, traditionally, those toys weren’t pushed onto boys. Highlighting those skills were less important for boys to develop. Which may partially explain why, in many relationships today, the woman is still the main caregiver.

Western culture is shifting away from traditional views on motherhood though. It now boasts that women can be both ‘boss ass career driven bitches’ AND ‘a kick ass mum’ simultaneously. We no longer have to choose between them. WE CAN DO BOTH.

Sure, having a child is essentially the same as having another full-time job that you don’t get paid for but it’s fine! Who doesn’t love free labour! And if you think you should get paid for keeping a small human being alive then you’re a terrible person, LOVE SHOULD BE ENOUGH. Love should also be enough to carry you through the fatigue, isolation, and mental challenges that come with having to raise a new-born baby alone after your partner gets a mere 2-weeks paternity leave. Sure, the Skillens went to Dubai for longer than that last month, but your partner’s support and involvement in those crucial life-starting moments isn’t THAT important. And it doesn’t matter that you only get 4 weeks full maternity pay and 4 weeks half pay, which you can’t live comfortably on, because you want to be a career woman anyway so get back to the grind! And BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, this is what YOU said YOU wanted.

PLUS, you need to get back because your company made no promises that Keith from accounts wouldn’t take over your role during your mat leave seeing as he’s been worming his way towards it ever since he heard you got knocked up. And don’t worry about the separation anxiety from your new born, JUST ACCEPT THE FACT YOU’RE A TERRIBLE MOTHER AND LET THE GUILT LIVE WITH YOU FOREVER. Can’t drive yet because you’re still sewn up down below? Don’t worry! Save your perineum AND your money by taking the bus to work! All that extra cash you save can go entirely on childcare which costs £50 thousand per half day. Can’t afford THAT? Don’t worry, it’s the perfect opportunity to reconnect with your weird uncle who loves looking at pictures of your kids for just a little bit too long. Don’t feel comfortable leaving your child with him? NO PROBLEM! For £65 you can buy a decent shovel and dig up your deceased relatives to see if they can help out!

The message seems to be, yes, you can be both a career woman and a mum but, with the current system, it’s going to be a hell of a lot more managable if you’re rich and/or have a solid family network behind you. Otherwise, I don’t know how people do it. I have the utmost respect for those who manage it, and so many people do, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be made easier.

Society relies on procreation and, on the surface, spouts progressive steps for women, when, at its core, it continues to re-enforce traditional gender stereotypes within the family through outdated maternity and paternity social structures. In Japan, (over-looking, for the purpose of this article, A LOT of sexist attitudes and laws, e.g men having to sign on women’s behalf to have an epidural), both new parents get a whole year paid maternity/paternity leave with 2/3 of their salary paid in instalments by the government for the first 6 months, then 1/2 their salary for the remaining 6 months. You also continue to be included in national schemes such as pension, employment insurance, and national healthcare – without any contribution during your leave AND you don’t even need to be in Japan during the time off.

This way, you’ve got financial security to live off more than tap water and a single Ritz cracker for every meal and the parenting can be properly and rightfully shared. This should put less strain on your relationship and help curb the child relying more on mum than dad (heterosexual couple-wise). And it grants dad his right to experience those vital first moments in his child’s life, something often made out men aren’t bothered by.

I’m still unsure about whether or not I’ll have a family. Maybe if society created a more realistic and supportive environment to do so my decision would be easier. Maybe not. To be honest, I don’t think I could handle the paranoia of accidentally leaving my child in a car seat on the top of my vehicle then driving off. Or the lack of sleep. Predominantly the latter. But I take solace in knowing that if I do have children that I manage to keep alive, I’ll throw them much better parties than Sebastian’s.