Gef’s Weird and Wonderful 40-Step Guide to Making the Perfect Pancake

Flippin’ Perfect Pancakes

Preparation Time:
7-8 hours of one work evening you will not get back.

Cooking Time:
2 minutes too long or too short per pancake.

Serves:
No one.

Ingredients

• 1,350g/450¾oz plain flour
• 15.5 tsp baking powder
• 50½ tsp salt
• 2,700 tbsp caster sugar
• 15 gallons milk
• 520 large egg, passive aggressively beaten
• 23 tbsp melted butter (allowed to cool slightly but forget to do this every time)
• 1 soul you don’t mind losing
• 1 partner you will break up with during the process just in time for Valentine’s Day

Preparation

1: Enthusiastically exclaim ‘Oooo it’s PANCAKE DAY TODAY’ and head to the Co-op to get some ready-made pancake mix.

2: There is no ready-made pancake mix left. The organised people got to it first.

3: That’s okay, try Shoprite instead.

4: Get to Shoprite. Shoprite has gone. #RIPShoprite

5: Inevitably end up at Tesco. There is no ready-made pancake mix. Swallow one dose of self-loathing. You really are incapable of being organised, just like your mother has been telling you for the past 32 years.

6: Accept defeat. Pay more for the individual ingredients instead.

7: Sigh theatrically loudly at the elderly man in front of you at the self service counter as you watch him try to pass a banana through as a red onion. Idiot.

8: Get home. Put radio on. Hear Vernon Kay is covering the evening show. Turn radio off.

9: Sift flour, baking powder, salt and caster sugar into a bowl, bowl must have the exact dimensions of an average Manx tip skip.

10: Sift extra flour as most of the sifted flour has sifted all down you and your new ‘Bring Back the Ben-my-Chree’ tank top.

11: In a separate bowl or jug, whisk together the milk and egg, then whisk in the melted butter. Realise you have neither a spare bowl or jug or whisk. Instead use a vase and a pitchfork. Be careful not to whisk too aggressively to avoid spilling milk, egg, and butter on your new ‘Bring Back the Ben-my-Chree’ tank top.

12: You whisk too aggressively. The milk, egg, and butter congeals with the sifted flour all down your new ‘Bring Back the Ben-my-Chree’ tank top.

13: It’s fine, funny really ahahahaha all part of the fun of making pancakes.

14: Pour the milk mixture into the flour mixture and beat until you have a smooth batter.

15: Realise the reason the batter isn’t getting smooth is because you have to beat it with a fork, not your fist.

16: Once you’ve got all the lumps out, let the batter stand for a number of minutes equivalent to 1.25 listen throughs of ABBA’s ‘Chiquitita’.

17: Heat a non-stick frying pan over a medium heat and add a knob of butter. Realise you only have a stick frying pan. Try to carve out your best penis-shape in the butter.

18: When the genital butter is melted, add a ladle of batter (or two if your frying pan is big enough to cook two pancakes at the same time. It is not). It will seem very thick, which is potentially correct.

19: Wait for between 30 seconds and 3-4 minutes until the top of the pancake begins to bubble, and the edges begin to set.

20: Put on an episode of The Office while you wait.

21: Accidentally wait 17 minutes too long.

22: It is burnt and stuck to the stick frying pan.

23: Scrape off what you can from the frying pan and give it to your dog.

24: Realise you don’t have a dog.

25: Start again.

26: You time it to 3 minutes exactly. Time to flip.

27: Your flip is meek. The pancake merely shifts slightly. Try again. This flip is too aggressive. The pancake hits your framed picture of Lady Isabella then flops onto the carpet. Question why you have carpet in the kitchen.

28: Bin the pancake and start again.

29: Flip pancake too early and realise it’s undercooked as batter spatters your face. The mix now resembles Jason Statham’s face after being punched.

30: Start again, making sure to leave the batter a bit longer before flipping.

31: The fire alarm tells you have, yet again, left it too long. It is burnt. Again.

32: Go scream into a pillow.

33: Back on track. It’s fine. Have a good feeling about this next one, this next one is going to be the one.

34: No batter or ingredients left.

35: Fish out one of the ones you threw away from the bin and slice off the burnt half.

36: Time for toppings!

37: You forgot to get toppings. All you have left is a 2-week old half sliced lemon and a Ryvita. Squeeze the lemon onto the pancake.

38: It goes all over you, missing the pancake, merging with the milk, egg, butter, sifted flour, and batter already coating you.

39: Defeated, you realise you are now a human pancake.

40: Eat oneself.