How do we talk to our kids about war?

The pandemic is not even over and yet we find ourselves dealing with the implications of war in Europe. Putin’s invasion of Ukraine and global tension is soaring.

Imagine what the world looks like through the eyes of youngsters who can barely remember a time when the world was not facing a deadly threat.

Two years ago parents were supporting children in the face of Covid. Some of those children were so afraid they could not sleep. The anxieties that arose then still remain for many, but even where they have been quelled, we know how quickly they could resurface.

Over the weekend, I cannot have been the only parent who shuddered when the rhetoric over the Ukraine invasion was ramped up to the point where it went nuclear ‒ literally.

Some of us are old enough to remember the posturing at the height of the Cold War. As a child back then the threat often felt illusory. But anyone who watched Threads or similar programmes about nuclear apocalypse will recall how fear lurked at the back of many young minds.

In the past week, we have seen nuclear attack scenarios being speculated on in national newspapers and on rolling news networks.How will this affect children?

Just as with the early days of the pandemic, many of us may find ourselves once more keeping a close eye on the news and family discussion to ensure we didn’t scare our kids.
Yet children have a need ‒ and a right ‒ to know what is happening. The media coverage means there is no point trying to ignore the war. So, how do you and your children deal with it?

It’s clear that Putin is the bad guy in all of this, while Ukraine’s president Volodymy Zelenskyy is giving many of his counterparts a stunning tutorial in leadership, but I can’t help wishing that some of the western politicians, those safely tucked away from any front line, were a little less desperate to achieve what they think will be their Churchill moment.

Their photo op posturing in military garb thousands of miles away from the conflict zone can suggest going to war is about dressing up. Their verbose language is repeated. What they say and do filters back to the playground and it may filter back to you at home.

It is important to find out what your children have heard and give them an opportunity to ask questions. The level of subtlety required depends on your child. Words need to be chosen carefully.

‘Is it World War Three?’ is a question I have had to answer on more than one occasion, from children of different ages.
There is no one way of dealing with this but, as a parent or carer, you are best-placed to judge what your children should know and what they can cope with. The best bet is honesty and to try to remain as objective and as clear as you can.

Whatever you think about whether a decade or more of Russian grooming of future leaders meant previous events did not set off the red flag warnings they should have, if your child is in year one, they probably don’t need to know how angry that has made you.

How do you even begin to explain to a child what is happening when it’s difficult to unravel the truth from fiction yourself? Well, and this might upset a few licence fee refuseniks, you can always turn to the BBC ‒ CBBC to be precise. You may remember how BBC Bitesize helped a whole generation of children and their parents during the lockdowns. Now, the ever-excellent Newsround has dedicated an entire section of its website to what is happening in the Ukraine war.

It has the latest news, delivered in plain, unpatronising language. It also answers many questions and provides advice for children about how to deal with the way the war is making them feel.It’s definitely worth watching for both parents and children.

How you handle talking about the war with your children will also depend upon how engaged they are with the news. You may well find each one of your children will deal with it differently.

During the first lockdown, every night, I found myself giving a detailed update to one son because he needed to process. That discussion would never take place in front of his little brother, who found the whole thing frightening.

Children adapt at their own pace. That same younger child recently responded to news of a positive Covid test by seeing the advantage of no maths for a while. Our kids are older and wiser than they were at the start of the pandemic. That has advantages but also challenges. That same younger child has since developed a fascination with the strategies of historic wars, everything from Roman invasions up until the Second World War.

On more than one occasion we have discussed how wars involve real people, real devastation, real death. It’s a conversation we’ve had to have again, but this time I was very aware of the need for a balancing act between awareness and fear.The fact war is happening now for real, rather than on a board or in a YouTube video brings it home.

Another message you may want to pass on is that however a nation’s leaders behave, the vast majority of the people in that country are just like us. They are children, they are parents, they are brothers, they are sisters and they are friends. So always remember to spare a thought for those who are so much like us, but facing so much more.

As ever, there is no right or wrong reaction from your child. However much you talk, make sure you listen.

Here’s that link to the Newsround website again.