Gef’s Guide to Tynwald Day

Today is of course for many of you a bank holiday where you can enjoy a day watching Wimbledon, going for a walk with the dogs or just sleeping off a hangover.

But for a small few it is Tynwald Day, where islanders gather to ask important questions such as ‘did you hear what they said’ and ‘who the hell is that?’

Of course today is a highlight for members of the island’s media. Well at least those who remembered to book the day off.

Kicking off at 10.10am, a parade of the island’s secondary school students, carefully selected to ensure no ‘kick me’ signs are stuck on the back of the Chief Minister, carry their school banners, followed by a band and the Manx Flag (this year being voiced byVida LaFierce).

Close by, a group of petitioners will be lurking with a list of quarrels they have with the Manx government. Here, people exercise their ancient right to wait behind Trevor Cowin as he carries out his tradition of handing in 50/60 petitions.

Soon after the King will arrive, played by Lieutenant Governor Sir John Lorimer. Once his driver has found somewhere to park, Sir John will hear a fanfare as he’s received by Captain Birdseye, who gives the day a sense of whimsical charm.

Once that’s done with, there is a quick walk around the church before heading up the hill, in what can only be described as the world’s least colourly and least enjoyable conga line, where the Manx national day is celebrated in style, with the English national anthem.

Shortly after, a man in a wig reads out what laws have been passed in the last year, as a way of signifying the island’s place as a modern democracy.

Then the governor will invite the lowly Manx men and women to bring forward their petitions of grievance, which he promises to hand to Tynwald, safe in the knowledge that very few of them will ever see the light of day again.

After this there is another sing-song as MHKs and MLCs lip-sync through the national anthem, without having to worry that that none of the 30 or so members of the public watching on have any idea what the words are either.

Finally the members clamber down off the hill as they head back to the church for a quick Tynwald sitting before adjourning to ensure members have first dibs on the best biscuits and cakes available at the stands available around the back of the grandstand.

While all of this sounds like great fun, we still haven’t worked out why the island didn’t just follow Ireland’s lead and turn the whole thing into a global drinking festival where millions of people around the world could wear Manx tartan and pretend that their great great great granddad was born and bred in Sulby.