‘Oh, you haven’t heard of it?’ A Survivor’s Guide to Dealing with Condescending People

‘What’s your favourite film? Jurassic Park? Oh, come on, that is SO unoriginal. I thought you were better than that. My favourite film is probably Andrei Arsenyevich Tarkovsky’s ‘The Sacrifice’. It’s about the complexity of man’s relationship with God, his own happiness and the happiness of others. Oh, you haven’t heard of it? Wow. Okay. You know what, don’t worry if you can’t make it to my Avo on Toast party this weekend. It’s just going to be a bunch of cool, quirky people chatting about non-mainstream, non-conventional things so it might not be your bag.’ 

Sound familiar? If you’ve been subjected to a conversation like this, you could be entitled to emotional compensation. One in three people will be affected by condescending conversations like this in their lifetime and be left feeling as vulnerably exposed as a hedgehog at a balloon animal convention. 

There’s a type of person in the world that takes joy in making people feel bad for liking certain things. They look down on us mainstream-loving peasants from their non-conforming pedestal, cringing at our life choices with a level of passive aggressiveness that would make Miranda from The Devil Wears Prada blush. (Sorry if that reference is too mainstream). During my lifetime so far, I’ve been judged multiple times on the same things: 

Not Being a Morning Person 

‘Oh, good morning, Sleepy Head! Or should I say GOOD AFTERNOON! Hahahahaha.’ This is a classic witticism smacked in the faces of people at 9am on a Saturday after a heavy week of work and a few drinks on Friday night. Before you can open your mouth, you’re hit, with whack-a-mole-like ferocity, with every single thing they have done this morning while you were drooling your life away like the big, fat, lazy waste of space you are. DAMIEN, who’s been up since 3am, has been for a run up and down Sneafell 17 times, made homemade Belgian waffles, read War and Peace to group of orphans in a meadow, created a cure for dementia, knitted himself a new pair of ankle-length corduroys, saved a dolphin stuck on Peel Beach, and flossed. In fact, he was just about to come and check on you to make sure you hadn’t DIED IN THE NIGHT, which you wish you had. 

Liking Mainstream Films and Music 

Films and music are created to bring people joy. Guilty pleasures are not a thing. There’s not enough pleasure in the world so if someone gets a kick out of the Jurassic World series, FOR GOD’S SAKE, LET THEM HAVE IT, ANY OF US COULD DIE TOMORROW, LET THEM LIKE WHAT THEY LIKE. Just because you don’t like Fast and the Furious 7 or listening to Taylor Swift or reading Harry Potter doesn’t mean other people can’t and shouldn’t. No one’s judging you for liking Dostoevsky, but no one’s impressed either.

Wearing a Band T-Shirt if you Don’t Know the Band  

The rule among these sorts of people is that if you don’t know every single aspect about the band on the T-shirt you’re wearing, including the exact time their umbilical cord was cut, then you don’t deserve to cloak your skin in their merchandise. You can be a fan of a band’s look without needing to be a fan of their music. You’re still supporting them by buying merch, it’s no skin off their nose so why is it off yours? Do you know everything about the car you drive? Or everything about the reproductive parts of the women you’re sleeping with? No? Then, applying the rule you’re imposing on others, stop driving and shagging. 

Ordering a Steak Well Done 

Honestly, the reaction I’ve had off people when I order a steak well done, you’d think I’d just pushed an old person down some stairs then pointed and laughed. If I’m paying to eat food, then I’m paying to have it how I like it. Otherwise, I’m just throwing money away on something I feel like I need to do but don’t benefit from. Like donating to Children in Need. 

These judgements used to crush my already low levels of self-confidence, and I’d often end up forcing myself to like things I didn’t just to be part of the group. (Avocado). But since hitting 30, I’ve reached a new point of liberation where I realise people – especially ‘friends’ – shouldn’t be making you feel bad about what you like.  

Often, the impression I get is that the put-downers have something to prove, some form of inferior feelings they need to plug with obscure art paired with making you feel bad so they can feel special. But, to throw them a bone, maybe it’s nothing to do with insecurity and they’re just feeling isolated because no one else has gone out of their way to look outside of the mainstream. I get that and what a great opportunity to introduce more people to the gigantic, unseen world of the arts. But you’re not going to get people interested by shaming them.

There are others though who, I think, don’t actually want more people to like the stuff they like because every time someone new did, their ‘cool, off the grid, niche’ status would drop, and their obscure tastes would become MAINSTREAM. Really all that means is mass collective joy over something and in such a divisive, tribal world we live in, surely that unity should be welcomed. 

It’s fine to find joy in different things. Great, in fact. It’d be well boring if we didn’t. But you don’t have to be judgy and disrespectful of people’s preferences just because they differ to yours, reacting to people liking Taylor Swift as though they’re enthusiastic about the KKK.  

Now I just lean more into what I’m being judged for rather than backing off. Don’t like that Jurassic Park is my favourite film? I’ll wear my I heart Jurassic Park balaclava next time we meet up. The other options are to call them out on what they’re doing or, if you’re feeling exceptionally magnanimous, indulge them by asking about the thing they’re bragging about, as you would with a child that’s trying to show you a particularly cool stick they’ve just found.  

If neither of those appeal, you can always give them a taste of their own medicine.

Make something up and when they say they haven’t heard of it, put on that patronising tone and make them feel like the stupidest person on the planet for having not heard of it. If they say they have then you can call them out on being a liar. Win, win. Either way, they probably won’t want to hang out with you again after that. Win, win, win. Push them off that giant pedestal they’ve put themselves on with the same smarmy attitude they throw at you and see how they like it. I’m sure the common ground will break their spirit as well as their fall.