The ‘m’ word

Millennials. Pffft. Aren’t they just the worst? There’s no avoiding it. This 24/7 news culture that engulfs us like a billowing fog has us all pegged. Apparently the millennial is an entitled, narcissistic, lazy, dreamer hellbent on self-satisfaction, self-touching and self-ies. Is demographicism the new sexism?There’s no definitive timeline on what constitutes a Millennial. Anyone born between 1981 and 2001 is one, apparently. Basically, Beyonce to Eleven from Stranger Things. It’s hard to argue with the logic that they are fundamentally the exact same person in every way. With such a broad timeline it can be difficult to identify the singular, identikit traits that EVERY SINGLE MILLENNIAL HAS.This needs to be called out. Lazy stereotyping and categorizing huge swathes of people across differing cultures and age ranges to fulfill some covert need to demonise is just flat out bullshit. We shan’t stand for this demographicism! Yes, it’s a word! Don’t look it up.Yes, the divide between generations may appear more pronounced than ever. With the polarising force of issues such as Brexit, Trump and Marmite, these are deeply confusing times. Then again, the older generation always complain about the lazy, entitled youth. The wisdom bestowed upon the aged is counterbalanced by a remarkable ability to forget what it was to be young. Or perhaps, there is a pang of jealousy for the energised ones; those vibrant, naïve souls who genuinely believe they can change the world? Narcissistic? Sure! To be young is to be indestructible and fuelled by yourself. That blinding arrogance and drive is part of the territory. You’re just finding out who you actually are – at this stage you still like that dude! Life hasn’t brought you down yet and that is to be admired.If you’re not one, then you’ll know one. Here are some of my favorite sweeping general-isms about a group of people born around the same TWENTY YEAR SPAN.SNOWFLAKES

• Millennials are born with 47%  more oestrogen in their system and, 500% less testosterone than their predecessors. As you can well imagine this makes them cry like little bitches over just about anything. Like when Grandad spouts something perfectly reasonably racist at the TV, the Millennial takes a strange stance on this: Not only do they oppose racism; they speak up about it too. It is a strange phenomenon and one that may unsettle the more reasonably minded bigots among us.
• They talk about their feelings and don’t do the honourable British thing: The stiff upper lip. If you have the misfortune of stumbling upon a Twitter thread where open, heartfelt discussions about one’s innermost thoughts are conveyed, do not engage. And remember: That tumour needs your help. Keep it schtum and MAN UP!
• Not content with raising awareness of mental health issues or other marginalised members of society such as the LGBT community, the pay inequality gap, gender neutrality and gay marriage, these LAZY WORKSHY LOAFERS only bloodywell moisturise too!! For shame.
• If you hear those wonderful words about the glory days of parenthood – “My old man used to knock seven bells of shit out of me and it didn’t do me no harm” then brace yourself for an onslaught from the indignant millennial. Sheesh, don’t these guys let up? CAN’T WE JUST SAVOUR THE GREAT PARENTING METHODS OF OUR FORE-BEARERS AND BASK IN THE WARM GLOW OF OUR NOW EMOTIONALLY STUNTED, HEAVILY REPRESSED SELVES?
• Snowflakes think they are, appropriately enough, unique and special. Remind them that, unlike the actual snowflake, they are neither of these things. They are in fact a tiny flickering dot stranded on a revolving minuscule planet orbiting around a dying star dwarfed by billions of unknowable galaxies.

HIPSTERS DON’T LIE

• If you must seek out the Millennial leave a trail of brisket, kale and halloumi fries. If they still don’t come a-callin’ get out the big guns: The artisan coffee. Chilled to perfection.
• Every single Millennial has a beard regardless of gender. NEVER FORGET THESE WORDS.
• If a band has sold any albums the Millennial will not only dismiss them entirely on account of losing street cred, they will also be utterly flummoxed as they have no clue what an album is.
• Despite their protestations, remind them that vinyl was always a bit shit and as for cassette? Bring back the Minidisc!

BOOKFACE AND TWATTER

• Back in my day – the fictional make believe of nostalgic impoverish-town – we had our imaginations to keep us entertained. Heck, I remember one game my sis and I played on Christmas morn. It was just us, a stick and an overbearing sadness that crushed our innocent hearts. Sigh. Great days.
• The Millennial generation is segregated into Generation Y (1981 – 1991 births) and Generation Z (1991 – 2001). Both grew up on technology but just differing forms. The Y Generation – such as myself –  had the VHS, the SNES and – for amorous teenage times – Kay’s catalogue. Generation Z are – I’m almost positive about this – born with computer chips implanted into their brains at birth. Technology is synonymous with every aspect of their existence whereas Generation Y existed without it for a period of our lives. This is why the Z Generation are all so utterly depraved and bathing in a cataclysm of unconscionable smut.
• Whereas your Granny would write a wee letter to her pals once a year, opening a small window to her world, the Millennial feels it necessary to share every single thing they experience onto a disinterested audience. Hashtags such as #LoveSundays #YorkshirePudsForTheWin &  #GravyForMyBaby accompany heavily edited photographs of incinerated pork tenderloin.
• The Millennial documents their every movement, including but not limited to, bowel ones. Likes and shares and retweets are the way they experience love in the world.

COMMUNICATION

• The heavy burden of being brought up by Johnny 5 (google it Generation Z you slackers) has meant that the Millennial can only communicate through Memes, GIFS, Emojis and selfies. If you attempt to strike up a conversation in the workplace, it is probably wise to save yourself the awkwardness at the drinks machine and whatsapp them your thoughts.
• When the petrified Millennial inevitably curls up into a withering ball of despair, just scream out “GET THAT ON INSTA – MATE!”. Use mate ironically as they know you’re not a mate but you also have the satisfaction of knowing they know you know.
• Raised on a diet of Netflix binge watching, hardcore Japanese pornography and craft ale, how could we ever expect anything but blithering twerps who are paralysed by social awkwardness? If only they were as self-assured and perfect as Generaton X. Or The Baby Boomers. Or The Silent Fuckers, or whatever they were called.

WAIT A MINUTEJust like every other generation that preceded it, the youth blame the failures of society and indeed of themselves squarely at the door of their parents. The Millennials are, purportedly, the arrested development generation who are still living with Mum and Dad in their 30’s, they’re not settling down, no kids, no marriage and they hop between jobs like Frogger on amphetamines (google it again Gen Z). The affluence of the older generation added to the oversaturation and devaluing of the uni degree, a crowded marketplace and the difficulties of getting onto the housing market all mean it’s a right c u next Tuesday being a Millennial.Let’s just accept that this is all bollocks. I’m 33 but feel as energised as a cadaver. Supposedly, my Millennial peers could well be 16 year olds What would I talk to them about? I honestly have no clue. They’d take one look at me – in all my gangster bling – and call me out straight away. #ThugLife. Or something.Ultimately, there’s always a youthful, energizing force that rallies against the status quo: Whether it be the punk rockers, the beatniks, the MTV generation, slackers, yuppies or Millennials. So let them – let us spread our avocado on our toast, even if we secretly hate it but are only doing it to fit in. Alright?

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