Top ‘Tips’ for Starting Reception

The leaves are turning that lovely, burnt orange colour. T K Maxx has Christmas decorations out.

Summer – if you can call it that when the sun was seen four times between May and August – is wrapping up for another year. As am I, with cosy knitwear, as the nights start drawing in.

For many, this means an excuse to start watching The Holiday on a daily basis.

For others, it’s the first step into one of the biggest, defining chapters of their kid’s life. The school chapter.

Without preparation it could be disastrous, especially at the prime age when your little pumpkin’s inner wiring is in the thick of vulnerably still forming. With that in mind, and to avoid them paying thousands of pounds in therapy later in life, here are some top tips for if your first little whippersnapper is about to start reception.

Label EVERYTHING

Lunchboxes, pencil cases, school uniform, socks, shoes, underwear, teeth. Treat them like a missing child and whack their name on everything.

This is for the teachers and other parents’ sake.

So, if you don’t want little Florence accidentally bringing home grotty snotty Greg’s mucus-laden jumper, get labelling.

Of course, there is a hierarchy of labelling. If you want teachers to think your offspring comes from a middle-class home, label clothing using a needle and thread. If you don’t care, a Biro or excess grease from a KFC bucket deal will suffice.

Make Sure They Can Wipe Their Own Bum

Do the teachers a solid so they don’t end up getting your little angel’s solids on their hands.

Tie Up Long Hair to Avoid Nit Infestations

Along with sniffing felt tips, getting nits is a rite of passage for primary schoolers.

Tying up your kid’s hair will make it harder for those disgusting bastards to get cosily nestled in your children’s lovely locks.

Other preventative hairstyles include pig tails, a Katniss Everdeen braid, a ballerina bun, or a twin braid bun if you’re feeling particularly Germanic one day.

Not only will you be keeping away the creepy crawleys; your child will also look fabulous.

Get Velcro Shoes

… If you want your kid to be a loser.

Yes, it might be substantially easier, less time consuming, and cheaper than your kids having shoes with laces, but they will start on the bottom ring of the reception social hierarchy.

Can you really put a price on popularity? While we’re at it. Get your kid a cool lunchbox and pencil case.

GOD HELP YOU if you even THINK of venturing down the Thomas the Tank Engine route.

Also, get them a cool rubber. So, when they make mistakes, they don’t feel bad about it because they’re rectifying it with a cool rubber.

Alternatives

If you can’t afford the cool stuff, then you’re going to have rely on your kid being able to do things that will up their social status without materialistic gains. Here is a list of things to consider:

• Breakdancing: Cool
• Doing that thing where you link your hands and do a wavey thing with your arms: Not cool
• Rolling your tongue: Cool
• Double jointing your shoulder: Disgusting
• Backflip: Cool
• Cartwheel: Desperate
• Blowing a blade of grass so it makes a noise: Cool
• Eating grass: Weird and unhealthy

If you can’t do any of the cool things then you’re going to have to rely on your kid having a good personality/ being funny so, get them watching the US Office. One episode per night.

Have a Box of Tissues Ready When You Drop Them Off

To wipe away the tears of sadness of seeing your baby growing up all too fast or tears of joy at not having to watch them doing rubbish karate kicks for seven hours a day.

A Crowbar

To prize them off you if they’re struggling to say bye.

At the end of the day, none of the materialistic stuff really matters.

That’s just capitalism making us think it does.

Really, all your kid needs to do when they start school is to be themself (unless they like setting fire to insects for fun).

Kindness is the main thing children need. And friends. And what better way to make friends than with cool stuff.

Wait, no. Sorry, that’s capitalism again. What better way to make friends than with a cool personality. So, get breakdancing.