Snow White and the Seven Enterprise Ministers

ACT ONE

A long time ago, in a place far, far away from reality, there was a land called Tynwald.

It was a simple place, full of simple people.

But it had a darkness looming above.

A winding road led up a ghastly mountain, known as No Prospect Hill. The road was full of about-turns and seemed to be going in no particular direction, but eventually it arrived at an Ivory Tower, home of the feared Council of Ministers.

Most feared of all in the Council of Ministers was King Alfred …

One day, in the Chamber, Alfred is participating in his daily bout of reflection.

He takes a long hard look at himself and asks: ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest chief minister of all?’

Stifling a laugh, the mirror replies: ‘Your policies are iffy; yet you’re a good talker. The fairest chief minister? It’s still Miles Walker.’

Alfred flies into a rage.

‘What is the meaning of this?!’ He turns to his faithful assistant, Lord Kate. ‘Why won’t you do something?’

‘Leave it with me,’ says Lord Kate, before stepping into a cabinet, the purpose of which nobody knows.

‘Aha,’ says Alfred, in a moment of oratorical brilliance so great that at least one Legislative Council member faints in excitement. ‘I’ll commission a review.’

Meanwhile, in a dark and slightly scary Millennium Oakwood, seven political mooinjer veggey– Laurence, Howie, Doc, Alfie, Tim, Alf and Lawrie – are setting off for the day.

‘Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to work we go,’ they chime in unison.

‘Hang on a minute,’ interject Alfie and Alf, as they read the script together. ‘Isn’t unison a union?’

‘It can be just a word,’ Doc assures them.

They continue their journey before Laurence lifts his wig and gives his head a thoughtful scratch. ‘What exactly is our work?’

With some pride, Howie declares: ‘We’re Enterprise Ministers.’

‘But what are we supposed to do?’ asks Tim.

They look at one another, blankly, before shrugging and heading off to the agency gold mine.

From stage right appears a narrator. He strides to the centre. It is a funny walk, or at least it was once.

The speaker climbs into a high chair and states, grandly: ‘Moghrey mie members of the audience. We have now reached the intermission. There will be a short performance of the annual Tynwald Masque, before we return to the main business of the day.’

The Tynwald Masque: A Christmas Carol

Pete Stewpot arrives, driving an electric charabanc, which is carrying the entire cast of Tynwald. They alight and begin dancing to a discordant version of Ellan Vannin.

Ebenezer can be seen saying something nice to Rob Cratchit, although we do not hear the exact words.

Shortly after, Ebenezer is visited by three spirits.

Ebenezer summons Cratchit back to him. Moments later, Cratchit can be seen trudging through the snow.

As the dancing troupe members climb back onto the charabanc, the spotlight falls on two figures on the sidelines.

Paul Moulting turns to Simon Turtle and says: ‘I preferred the Muppets.’

Turtle turns to the audience and arches an eyebrow.

ACT TWO:

A troop of army cadets is carrying a Garff MHK, who is holding a fire extinguisher.

‘I’m the Green Goddess!’ she explains. ‘Now that’s what I call active travel.’

She sees a beautiful woman standing by the edge of the Milliennium Oakwood and asks: ‘Who are you?’

‘I’m Snow White,’ says the beautiful woman.

‘I don’t think we’ve met before,’ replies the Green Goddess.

‘We haven’t,’ says Snow White. ‘They searched throughout all of Tynwald for anyone who could be convincing as someone who is beautiful, pure, charming, popular and instantly likeable. Then they called me.’

Back in the Ivory Tower, King Alfred is once more in his Chamber. He paces up and down before looking at the mirror the again.

‘Surely this time it will work,’ he says, the confidence clear in his voice.

‘Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest chief minister of them all?’

King Alfred’s eye is caught by a badge that the reflection is wearing, as it glints in the candlelight.

‘What’s a Twusan?’ the king asks.

The mirror, which isn’t really a reflection of King Alfred at all and looks as though it has just got back from the gym, lets out a huge sigh.

‘Look Alfred have a care, you know there’s more than one meaning to fair. We asked about and it’s plain to see; lots think they’d make a better chief minister – even me.’

Lord Kate briefly pokes her head out from behind the cabinet door but, seeing how cross King Alfred has become, quickly returns inside.

King Alfred composes himself and turns to address the audience.

‘Fear not,’ he says. ‘I know what I need to do to become the Fairest Chief Minister of Them All.

‘I have an idea. Shall I share it with you boys and girls?’

He ignores the cries of: ‘Oh no, you shouldn’t!’

‘Behold!’ he declares. ‘We can share in the triumph of this scheme. It will be remembered through the ages.

‘It shall be known as Our Island Plan.’

He looks out to the audience

‘Wait, why are you all leaving? I haven’t even told you about the conference yet.’

At the top of No Prospect Hill, the cast members gather for the final denouement. Except for Snow White, who has left to audition for the part of Samantha Barks. It is evening time and the moon glistens above.

Tommy Christopher arrives with a black sack.

‘It’s 13 days until the next collection,’ says a figure in a dark overcoat. ‘Where’ve you bin?’ 

Larry Greatstuff stands before the others, picking up a pile of green paper.

‘What’s this draught?’ he asks.

‘It’s the last of the audience heading through the exit,’ says Perkins, resplendent in a pair of shiny boots. He has come to pick up what he’s owed but is always good for a quick joke.

‘Then, please, shut that door,’ says Larry.

‘It’s time for the annual Tynwald marble rolling contest.

‘Bring forward the marbles!’

A Tynwald messenger sidles up to Larry and whispers into his ear. Larry frowns, straightens his ceremonial frock and makes a final announcement.

‘There will be no contest this year, members,’ he says. ‘Apparently we lost our marbles some time ago.’ 

THE END