Ask Auntie Gef: I’m seeing my best friend’s ex and he doesn’t know

Dear Auntie Gef,

I went on a blind date for Valentine’s Day set up by a work colleague of mine and ended up out with one of my mate’s ex-girlfriends. The date actually went really well and we’d both like to see each other again but they only broke up a year ago. Am I wrong to want to go out with a friend’s ex? From Confused and Potentially Terrible Friend.

Dear Confused and Potentially Terrible Friend,

Dating the ex of someone you know in the Isle of Man is like going out on a Saturday night, saying you’re not going to finish it with takeaway food then finding yourself inviting Bryan from behind the counter at Peri Peri to your daughter’s Christening while ordering 48 chicken nuggets and a Lemon Fanta: Inevitable.

This, plus the fact that you and your friend probably have similar interests and personality traits makes it even more understandable that you might end up liking the same sort of person. Or, in this case, the same actual person.

So, there are a few things I would take into consideration in this situation.

1: How The Break Up Went

Was it a good break up? – A mutual, respectful conclusion that it was time for both people to move on.

Was it a bad break up? – Lawns were set on fire and a pet cat went missing.

Was it a confusing break up? – Your friend was with her but then you both thought he’d died while at war but ended up coming back.

The first is obviously more stable ground to potentially start a relationship with a friend’s ex on. On the other hand, I know you said they broke up a year ago but if the break up was bad, a year can feel like no time at all.

2: The closeness of your friendship

Are you more like brothers for life like Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck in Michael Port Erin Bay’s Pearl Harbour? Or is it more you have a nice chat whenever you bump into each other in Tesco and walk away thinking ‘that was lovely, we should really hang out more’ and then have the same conversation 17 months later when the same thing happens after not meeting up the last time? Obviously one will pack more of a punch than the other but if it’s more the latter that should provide a bit of leniency.

3: How You Feel About The Girl

If this is a lust over love situation where you feel a rush of infatuation and just really want a shag then I’d say it’s not worth damaging a friendship for, no matter how tantalising that whole ‘forbidden fruit’ schtick can be. If, however, you feel a true connection with this girl and she feels the same way about you then you should both be able to realise there’s no rush to this playing out and making sure it plays out right. Because it’d be much lovelier to have this whole situation turn into a funny story at your wedding rather than your mate crashing your wedding inside a WW2 army tank during the ‘does anyone have any good reason why these two should not be wedded’ part.

At the end of the day, if you’re serious about this girl and she is with you then the main thing you have to do is speak to your friend about the situation. It will be an uncomfortable conversation but it’ll be less uncomfortable than if you don’t have that chat and your mate ends up sticking a traffic cone into one of your orifices after finding out what’s been going on behind his back. Be brave, embrace the discomfort, and talk to your friend. You don’t necessarily owe him not being with someone – you and your friend’s ex have a right to be with who you want to be with- but, as his friend, you do owe him respect.

Alternatively. This situation has been seen before in the Michael Peel Bay movie Pearl Harbour. Ben Affleck is with Kate Beckinsale then he goes off to war and ‘dies’ in a plane crash. His best mate Josh Hartnett and his girlfriend Kate share their grief together and in the process end up also sharing bodily fluids in slow motion in an air hanger and start going out, she gets pregnant with his baby. Next thing, BEN AFFLECK COMES BACK. HE DIDN’T DIE. So he’s like ‘hey baby, omg it’s so good to see you’ and finds out not only that his girlfriend and his best friend are together, they’re always having a baby. But wait, Ben and Josh end up going back to war and Josh ends up dying (properly dying, not Ben-style fake dying for attention), his final words to Ben being ‘you’ve always been my best friend, be the dad to my baby’ or something like that, so happy days for Ben. Him and Kate get back together and raise Josh’s baby as their own. Everyone ends up happy in that situation and it’s based on true events so if you have a conversation with your friend and it doesn’t go down well, I’m not suggesting murder, but maybe you could recreate something similar to that. Even if he’s supportive of you hooking up with his ex, maybe go for the kill anyway, just to be safe.

It’ll all make for a great story for Peri Peri Chicken Bryan at 3am.