Dear Auntie Gef: Someone at work is stealing my lunches

Dear Auntie Gef,

Someone at work keeps stealing my lunches. I don’t want to be a dick about it but I think it’s out of order. What should I do?

Dear Anon,

When we watch the news these days it really puts (what we deem to be) our problems into perspective. But there remains a special ring in Hell for those who steal other people’s food from work. On the notion of Hell, allow me to play Devil’s advocate first and look at a few acceptable reasons for someone to commit such an act.

Acceptable reasons to steal someone’s food from work:

• The cost-of-living crisis is hitting hard, making it difficult to afford food.
• The taker is diabetic and was caught having a bad crash so needed your turkey & stuffing sandwich, Wotsits, and Kit Kat Chunky to prevent a coma or death.
• Someone with exactly the same name as you brought in the exact same food, labelled it exactly the same way and it’s all a goofy misunderstanding.
• The taker is being blackmailed, and if they don’t take your food a video of them wanking will be released to their immediate and extended family.

No other reasons are acceptable. So, let’s have a look at what to do from here.

Options to prevent future food thefts:

• Label your food, if you haven’t already. Don’t miss any details. Avoid the same name debacle by including your full name, date of birth, home address, parents address, GCSE results, and National Insurance number. Actually, scratch that. Don’t put too much info. If they’ve stolen your food they’ll likely steal your identity too.

• Find Camera Footage. Go into the CCTV footage and see for yourself who took your grub. See if you can find out what Shannon’s been up to while you’re at it. No one needs to be going to the toilet that many times in one day.

• Set a Trap. I’m thinking old school Tom and Jerry style. Get a giant box. Paint it so it looks identical to the kitchen, prop it up with a big stick but make sure to paint that too so it blends into the background. Place your lunch in the middle of the room (underneath the box, it’s important to remember that). Attach a string that will make the box fall when you pull it. Paint the string too. Obviously. Call in sick, paint yourself the same as the kitchen, sneak into the building, stand in the corner holding the string and wait.

OR. You and I can conduct an investigation of our own to figure out who dunnit.

LET’S DO THAT.

So, it’s unlikely to be someone with a food allergy. They’d be too cautious to take some random’s lunch, which rules out anaphylactic Sean. It’s also not going to be someone with dietary requirements, which rules out Arlo and Patricia but if you’d like confirmation you can always ask them. They’ll be more than willing to tell you it wasn’t them because they’re vegan. It’s also unlikely to be someone who wasn’t in the building that day. Regina and the mean girls go out for lunch so that leaves… Kevin. You borrowed his pen on Tuesday and forgot to give it back. You know how Kevin feels about his pens. Therefore, Kevin is your culprit. Get him back by eating his pen.

In reality, it does feel like a betrayal of trust when someone nicks your grub that you’ve either paid for or made an effort to put together. Plus, what you gonna eat? I’d either start bringing in a cooler box to keep by your desk or let HR know. You could send an email around, but if it comes across passive aggressive you’re at risk of becoming the villain rather than the victim.

If none of the above works then you could train as a priest and see if the culprit eventually confesses their sins to you. Or, go the opposite. Commit yourself to a life of crime, meet pen-loving Kev in that special ring of Hell when you die and force him to buy you some Wotsits then.

Good luck!

Love,

Auntie Gef

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