Gef’s Top Tips for Throwing a Good House Party

Throwing a house party can make or break your social status.

Get it right and people will regale tales of how awesome your shindig was to anyone who’ll listen for years to come. Get it wrong. Well. Let’s put it this way. Ever heard of Voireigh from Surby? No. Of course you haven’t. She threw a house party in 1976 that was so bad she had to move to the Point of Ayre and become a hermit. No one’s properly seen her since 1981 when she dared to go to the shop for some green milk. She was spotted by a passer by who yelled ‘HEY. AREN’T YOU THAT GIRL THAT THREW THAT HOUSE PARTY WHERE YOU BLOCKED THE TOILET SO THE WHOLE HOUSE STANK AND THERE WAS NO MUSIC AND THE ONLY SNACKS YOU HAD WERE RIVITAS AND WEIGHTWATCHERS READY MEALS?’ Legend has it she lives up a tree in Archallagan Plantation now because being in a house actually gives her PTSD.

So, here are some tips on how to throw a good house party so as to not end up like Voreigh.

1: Clean But Don’t Overclean

Obviously give your abode a nice spritz so people don’t think you live in a long-tailed infested hovel. Guests particularly feel safe in a clean bathroom. No one likes to go relieve themself after the seal has been broken to find a pube on the toilet seat. So do the loo, give the downstairs a hoover, wipe down the kitchen surfaces, and tidy up a little bit but don’t let the cleaning part of the organising take over. Trust me. It’s an easy trap to fall into. I threw a house party once, put aside an hour to tidy, the next thing I knew I was 3 hours deep, obsessively going at the plug sockets with a piece of floss while wearing a load of butterfly clips from the 90s and holding a Furby I’d found in my closet. I was mid hoovering the ceiling when guests arrived. I stank of chemicals, had yet to shower or even think about putting out the hog roast, stressed out of my mind. I let them in, excused myself to get ready, feeling like a bad host. I whizzed through getting ready – which is one of the best parts of hosting a party – then downed 3/4 of a bottle of Schnapps to settle my nerves, forgetting I hadn’t eaten all afternoon. Fifty minutes later I was in bed, plastered, while people awkwardly interacted to George Michael’s Greatest Hits downstairs. Clean but don’t overclean.

2: Mix Friendship Groups

A lot of the time mixing friendship groups can be a recipe for gut-wrenchingly painful forced conversation but the house party environment is one that lends itself nicely to the merging of mates. Booze helps surpass teeth-grindingly awkward chat. That combined with the vibe of a good house party makes folks feel more relaxed and open to interacting with new people. Many a couple has met at friends’ house parties so it can act as a nice aphrodisiac. Just make sure they don’t end up shagging in your coat room.

3: Snacks and Drinks

Get good snacks but don’t go mad. Get the basics: Crisps, dips, breadsticks, maybe some Tangfastics if you want to be seen as a Bonafede cool kid but don’t get caught up in oven food, you’ll just end up distracted. Or, do do oven food, that way you can use it as an excuse to vacate boring conversations:

‘I’ve got a slideshow of my baby’s 4 month graduation from his ‘Doing Sweet F-All Class’ at nursery, let me show you.’

‘Sorry, I’ve got to check on the mini quiches.’

Do try and cater to all. Lots of people are vegan and vegetarian so get some snacks with them in mind that’ll show you’re a thoughtful host, rather than just whacking some bread and a few blades of grass on a plate.

Provide a bit of booze as a nice touch. I’d suggest making a big jug of a simple homemade cocktail with a pun-based name that people can help themselves to. But the most import thing. More important than anything else. HAVE ICE. There’s nothing worse than people making themselves a luke-warm spirit-based beverage because of you’re neanderthal standards. Get ice. And get enough for the whole night to prevent an ice-is half way through.

4: Music

A good playlist is essential. Get it wrong and it can really throw off the vibe of your shindig. Don’t go too hard like Slipknot or Drum & Bass (unless the night builds to that) but don’t go too bland either. Eg. You’re trying to get a party atmosphere going to dentist hold music. If you’re stuck, Spotify will have loads of house party playlists of different ambiences you can pick from depending on the type of guests you’ve invited. But when in doubt. Fleetwood Mac. Can’t go wrong. They are the music equivalent of a spare pillow in the Premier Inn. You might not go out of your way to use it but you’re never disappointed to have it there as a comforting presence.

5: Remove all Breakable Things from the Party Area

Anything you’re worried about getting broken or spilled on, hide it in the dungeon or cover it up. This will help avoid the dreaded red wine spillage debacle that will forever make it look like you’ve murdered someone and couldn’t be arsed fully getting rid of the evidence. If you have white carpets, don’t bother having a party in the first place. Come on. White carpets? Who are you, Seal?

6: Know Your Time Limit

Have a time in mind when you want people to sod off and stick to it. If you have some belligerents incapable of taking the hint to leave at 3am then call the police so they can come shut the party down and blame it on your neighbours. On that note, give your neighbours a heads up about the party. A little bit of courtesy goes a long way and can make them more willing to look after your hamster, Greg, for you when you go on holiday.

7: One for the House Party Guest: Be A Good Guest

Guests: If you’re coming to a house party, bring a party vibe. Don’t come in all awkward and cold. It’s added pressure on the host.

Host: A little tactic for you to ease the atmosphere at the start of the shindig – invite some of your close friends around half an hour early to warm the house up before your other guests arrive and make it nice and hot.

Thus concludes Gef’s guide to throwing a good house party. I shall await my invitation with eager anticipation. My address is Archallagan Plantation, 34th tree from the right.