Ask Auntie Gef: When you find out 4 months in he has a girlfriend

Dear Auntie Gef, I’ve been talking to a guy pretty much every day for the last 4 months. We’ve been on two ‘sort of’ dates where he paid, and he came – by himself – to watch a show I was in. In all that time, he never mentioned he was dating anyone. Today he told me he has spent the weekend with his girlfriend, looking at waterfalls. What should I do?

Dear Anonymous,

I’m sure a collective gasp is rippling through readers at this very moment in shocked response to your question. This is a confusing one that we’re going unpick one bit at a time, starting with potential reasons why someone you’ve been messaging daily for several months and have been on a couple of ‘sort of’ dates with might not mention he has a partner.

1: He has amnesia and forgot he’s in a relationship then suddenly acquired an antidote, changing the face of medicine for humankind in the process.

2: He’s a wanker.

Thus concludes my reasoning.

Maybe his relationship, which sounds like it’s long distance, was on the rocks for a little bit so he was testing the waters with you while ‘watching waterfalls’ with his partner. Which would also fall under the umbrella of wanker. And pretentious. How long can you realistically watch a waterfall for before getting bored? 2 minutes, I’d say. Then I’d be chewing my fist for something to do.

Four months is ample time to drop your relationship status into conversation, so it comes across like he’s chosen not to say anything and led you on. And if I was his girlfriend I wouldn’t feel over-the-moon about him messaging another woman practically daily for months on end. He’s playing with fire on both sides here.

So, what to do?

The annoying thing about these situations is that because you haven’t had verbal confirmation that you’ve had a flirty thing going, he can feign cluelessness.

‘Hey mate! Want to go out for mini-golf and cocktails, just us?! Hey PAL. Let me know where I can get ONE TICKET for me to come watch you BY MYSELF in your show. HEY BUDDY! Want to have sex, buy a hamster together, then elope? BECAUSE THAT’S JUST WHAT FRIENDS DO, RIGHT?!’

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know the implications that come with messaging someone all the time and hanging out alone with them, but it does take a coward, or an idiot, to deny them. Frustratingly, it leaves you in this weird grey area where you feel taken advantage of but don’t know if you can say anything. Even though I feel you’re well within your rights to.

So, here are your options:

1: Call him out. Reply saying ‘oh, I didn’t realise you had a girlfriend, I don’t think you’ve mentioned her before.’ And see what he says. Then pass on this information to me. I’m curious.

2: If you think the friendship could be salvageable and feel comfortable moving forward on a different level then do so, but only if you’re getting what you need from it. If not, then this guy has taken a decent amount of your physical and mental energy, you don’t need to give him any more.

3: Next time he messages, pretend you have Amnesia and don’t know who he is. If he replies ‘I have an antidote for that!’ then we have the answer to his behaviour.

Or you could always go down the 90s teen flick route:

• Get a (real) mate to give you a makeover (aka, take your glasses off)
• Show him what he’s missing
• Make him fall in love with you
• Burn his house to the ground.

I fell asleep during most of those films so I’m assuming that’s how the majority ended. But that course of action wouldn’t be very fair on the girlfriend. So maybe you should join forces with her and then burn his house to the ground. I’m sure he’ll get some grim satisfaction from watching the fire brigade put it out with their hoses. Something much more interesting than waterfalls.