Ask Auntie Gef: I accidentally slept with my boss

Q: Dear Auntie Gef: I hooked up with a guy in 1886 on Friday night. He seemed really interested, we exchanged numbers, and arranged to meet up the next day but he stood me up and I haven’t heard from him since. I started work at a new firm on Monday and found out he’s my new boss. I’d like to clear the air but he’s avoiding me, which is making things really awkward. What should I do?

Dear Anonymous,

As far as awkward situations go, this is close to the epitome of the word. The only thing missing would be for one of you to have shat the bed.

It stings when the promise of something exciting is taken away from you suddenly for an unknown reason and can create feelings of insecurity. But usually, unless you’ve met the guy once, broken into his house at midnight, and waited in the kitchen for him holding a steak knife (I did it one time AS A JOKE, MIKE), there isn’t anything wrong with you.

It seems natural for us to turn the blame inward and question what it is about ourselves that’s missing or isn’t ‘enough’. When really, it’s never about us, it’s about them. And if they’ve hooked up with you, feigned enthusiasm about meeting then ghosted you, they’re probably not the best person to be with. He could have finished the night by saying ‘I had fun but I’m not looking for anything after this’. It might still be disappointing but at least he’s shown you the respect you deserve by acknowledging your feelings and being honest.

Now. The work situation. I suggest taking matters into your own hands because you can’t be walking on eggshells around each other 5 days a week. It’s clearly an awkward situation that needs addressing but each of you should be able to handle it, you’re both adults. (Hopefully.. otherwise it makes this problem much more prison-sentence-y). Ask him for a quick chat.

I know these types of conversations can be difficult though, so I’ve got some basic rules I turn to that I hope can help:

1: Go in knowing what you want to say. Have a think about it beforehand, write it down if it helps. That way you won’t be blown off course if emotions pop up in the moment.

2: Pick a quiet place to chat where you won’t be interrupted. Be discreet so as to not draw attention to yourself and the situation.

3: Put on the latex gloves.

4: Start by acknowledging ‘this is going to be a bit uncomfortable’. That way you’ve immediately addressed the elephant in the room.

5: Pour the arsenic into his tea.

6: Be honest. Your feelings are valid so be confident in expressing them even if it feels uncomfortable. Frank conversations are often seen as conflict, but they don’t have to be.

7: Make sure your transport to the incinerator is ready.

8: Don’t look for answers as to why he acted in a certain way, just express how his actions made you feel. Expecting reasons for why people have treated you poorly puts power into the hands of others and allows them to dictate how you feel about yourself. You are the only person that matters in that respect.

9: Leave the country.

If he declines a conversation all together then that’s a situation out of your control and trying to rectify it will just cause more frustration. He’s not obligated to give you a chat so instead announce to the whole office that he got you pregnant. Then he’ll have to talk to you. I can confirm this has worked for me between 7-12 times.

Good luck 🙂

Auntie Gef

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