Gef’s Guide to Bunking Off During the World Cup

Next month sees the first ever winter World Cup and it is throwing up some issues around scheduling, thankfully, we’re here to help.

Now before we get going, we completely agree with those of you who oppose this World Cup on moral, ethical, humanitarian grounds, it should never have been given to Qatar.

However, we also know that many of you, if we’re honest like us, will be settling down to watch England or Wales and hoping that the mens’ teams can emulate the England women’s Euro winners who finally brought football home, or deliver history as the Welsh Dragon is crowned the champion of the world. 

The biggest immediate problem is a game that sees England play Iran on Monday November 21. Kicking off at 1pm, millions will be trying to find ways to watch it at work either on phones or computers, maybe even trying to hijack the office TV. 

Due to an ongoing issue, Gef doesn’t have a TV in our office, but fortunately we have a plan. Throw a sickie. 

Fortunately, this game is on a Monday, meaning you don’t have to worry about taking too many days off. 

Our advice is you start the game around lunchtime on Friday November 18. Maybe have a little cough, throw in a slight headache, maybe even wear a couple of extra shirts under your jumper, giving those around you the impression that you are hot. To ensure you’re getting Monday off, if anyone recommends an after work drink, go for a couple (we’re not mad enough to say don’t go), but take your time, have those and then slink off home, telling everyone you just don’t feel it.

When Saturday rolls around, give it to mid morning and hit the WhatsApp group, don’t go too far too early, you’re just feeling rough, which is ‘weird because I only had a couple’. For the rest of the day, maybe have some mates round, get a pizza or a curry in, a case of beer, few bottles of wine, all the Bond films are on Prime, there’s loads on Netflix, you’ll be glad to have a night in with the girls or lads.

By Sunday, you’re really not feeling well. You’ve told the group chat you’re swinging from boiling to freezing, you’re relying on your other half to make cups of tea and having dinner in bed (not really, but play the game). 

Come Monday morning, you’re feeling slightly better, but you worry you’ve passed it onto your other half and don’t want to spread it round the office. But thankfully you took your laptop home on Friday, so you’ll do what you can from home.

Then, come 1pm, while the rest of those suckers are at work, you’re there in your England shirt and pants singing God Save the King and shouting that Southgate doesn’t know what he’s doing, playing 5-3-2 against Iran FFS!

Wales

For Welsh fans, this is slightly harder. Your one group game on TV during work time is on Friday, November 25. It isn’t too late to book a day off. If you can’t do that, start coughing on Tuesday, you have a longer game to play here, but if you deliver, you’ll be a legend, an icon, you’ll be there, in your Wales shirt and your best dressing gown, shouting ‘Yma o hyd. Yma o hyd!’

Summoning the spirit of Michael Sheen’s emphatic speech, you’ll win this, it’s only Iran, it’s your ticket to the last 16, come on boys! All while remembering it’s 10am, you’re eating a Delisimo breakfast and drinking so heavily you’ll regret it by mid afternoon when Bargain Hunt comes on.

You do have the hard miles after this too, you need to keep your head down for the weekend. If you booked it off, you’re laughing, if you didn’t, play the game, stay home and prepare for the knockout stages. 

We firmly believe that no man, woman or child should miss a World Cup game, even at this World Cup. Not because of work, a meeting that could’ve been an email or some French lesson you’ll never remember. 

One day removed from Trafalgar Day, we remember the words of Lord Nelson, ‘England expects that every man will do his duty’ and for our Welsh readers ‘A red storm is coming to the gates of Qatar’, dare you miss it?