Ask Auntie Gef: My girlfriend wants to try role play

Dear Auntie Gef,

My girlfriend wants to try role playing in the bedroom, which I’m open to but I feel really awkward about it. How do I get over the awkwardness? 

Dear Anon,

We all pla-

*Ding Dong*

Sorry. Bear with me, I’ll be right back.

*Opens door*

Somebody order a pizza with…. EXTRA SAUSAGE?

Not right now, thank you. *Whispered* You’ve come early. Try again in ten minutes. I’ll get my oven ready.

*Closes door*

We all play roles on a daily basis. Whether you’re teaching a class or pretending to care about your colleague’s baby pictures, it requires putting on some kind of persona for the occasion. Doing it in the bedroom is slightly different, but doesn’t have to be too big a leap.

The main thing about anything sex-related is that you feel comfortable. If you don’t there’s no point in doing it. It’s supposed to be a good experience for all parties involved. That being said, I do think there’s a difference between discomfort and the natural apprehension that comes with trying something new.

Dabbling in the unknown puts us in a vulnerable position. Especially when you’re naked. The first time I tried axe throwing I felt very self conscious, and that’s with clothes on after I was told they’d call the police again if I didn’t get dressed. So, what you’re feeling is normal.

It sounds like you’re open to giving role play a try, so now the first step, as always, is communication. If 50 Shades of Grey has taught us anything, (besides that Christian Grey can crash a helicopter and not even get a crease in his million dollar, finely pressed shirt), it’s that when it comes to sex, communication comes first. Even before she does. So speak to your partner openly about how you’re feeling.

If you’re still a bit nervous about role play, I suggest starting with something small and working up to it. Maybe you and your partner could call each other different names for a day. Maybe you check out a couple of YouTube acting tutorials online. Why not throw in some accent classes on the side in case your partner wants to spice things up with a Glaswegian twang. Enjoying it? Maybe dabble in the local amateur dramatic society. What the hell, go for that audition for their upcoming production of Waiting for Godot. Holy moly, you get talent-spotted and flown to Hollywood. Now you’re starring in a film alongside Denzel Washington and have to do a sex scene with Meryl Streep. It’s come full circle. You are now role playing a sex scene in front of a camera and crew of 69 people including your new girlfriend Cassandra. Cassandra isn’t into role play. She hates watching it and leaves you. You win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor because of that scene. But at what cost? Now you lie alone at night. The only comfort is the cold, hard statue of a man called Oscar. After you realised you’re gay.

But I’m guessing the scene your current partner is after will be fairly basic, so that prep is probably unnecessary. It’s unlikely she’ll be asking you to re-enact a pornographic version of The Shawshank Redemption.

Classic role playing scenarios usually include:

• A plumber turns up to ‘fix your pipes’
• Some sort of authority figure teaches a student ‘a lesson’ (within the realms of legal limits)
• A French maid turns up to ‘dust your surfaces’
• A carpenter turns up to ‘hammer some wood’ and make you use the Lord’s name in vain

At the end of the day, this sort of thing is a trial and error process that should be fun. It’s okay to feel a bit silly during it, but make sure you give your thoughts too. If you find things that don’t do it for you, that’s fine, make sure to speak up about them and set boundaries so you’re both on the same page. You could be fine with putting on a Darth Vader mask for your partner, but her wanting to refer to you as ‘hot Ben from work’ could be your limit. And that’s okay.

If you find things you do like, excellent. Who knows, once you get over the initial embarrassment, role playing could open a whole new world of fun possibilities where you can be whatever you want to be with someone who helps you indulge those fantasies in a safe environment. Whatever happens, you will have learned more about yourself and your partner’s preferences, which is good.

But if you’re still struggling to get over the self consciousness, I suggest leaning into your awkwardness. Offer to role play as David Brent from The Office. If it works, problem solved. Happy banging. If it doesn’t, it could put your partner off the idea all together. Win-win.

Good luck!

Love,

Auntie Gef

x

Now. Where’s my pizza.