Ask Auntie Gef: He doesn’t put his clothes away and it’s driving me insane

Dear Auntie Gef,

My partner keeps leaving his clothes on the floor of our flat. I’ve spoken to him about it but he keeps forgetting. I know it’s a small thing but it’s really getting on my tits. I’m not sure what to do.

Dear Anon,

People always say it’s the smallest of things that eventually make them crack. Someone not watering the plants. The husk of an empty toothpaste that’s been placed next to the bin. Finding a framed picture of Rolph Harris in a sock drawer. All these things may seem trivial, but they end up being the reason you become the star of the new hit Netflix documentary series ‘Murderers: Why They Did It’.

The reaction to these ‘little things’ is often deemed to be ‘out of proportion’ with the act itself, but it’s because they all add up to the final trigger. It’s similar in vein to Chinese water torture – a method used by secret services to make people crack and give them information – but, in your case, the continuous drips denting your sanity are your partner leaving his clothes around the flat.

The fact that you’ve mentioned this to him multiple times is where the problem lies. It becomes less about the clothes and more about you feeling unheard and also like his mum. YOU ARE NOT HIS MUM. And, if you are, we have a legal issue here. But you still shouldn’t have to be picking up after him.

Have you ever heard of Love Languages? …. I’ll take your silence as a ‘no, please go on. Also, you look great in that lime green beret.’ Thank you. I was waiting for you to mention it.

Love languages are the different ways we express and receive love with our partner. There are six main ones:

1. Words of affirmation. (You look lovely in that lime green beret)

2. Acts of service. (I put your lime green beret in the wash for you)

3. Receiving gifts. (I got you a new lime green beret after I spoiled your other one in the wash)

4. Quality time. (Let’s go for a nice walk, just us, and your lime green beret)

5. Physical touch. (I’m going to take your lime green beret off to affectionately play with your hair)

6: French.

It sounds like your love language could be ‘Acts of Service’. Which doesn’t mean your partner has to stand outside your window holding a 1980s boombox playing Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes. It’s the little acts of service that are important to you, like putting clothes away or letting you have the floating door after the ship you were both on sunk even though there’s room for two on it.

Where couples can bump heads is when each person has a different love language. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it certainly helps to understand and respect one another’s love language. That way you can show up for your partner on a deeper level, which will also help you also grow as a caring, thoughtful individual. I would recommend having a proper chat to your floordrobe-loving partner and speak to him about the underlying feelings you get from him not putting the clothes away.

In these situations it’s always good to use ‘I’ words rather than ‘you’ words, which can feel a bit attacky. So, instead of saying:

‘You never put the clothes away. ARE YOU CALIBAN FROM THE TEMPEST OR ARE YOU JUST TOO THICK TO UNDERSTAND HOW A WARDROBE WORKS?!’

Try: ‘When the clothes aren’t put away after I’ve asked, it makes me feel like my needs aren’t being heard or taken seriously, which makes me upset.’

If this doesn’t work and your partner continues to use the floor as a hanger, then here are some alternatives:

1. Buy a wardrobe. If you just haven’t got one then I may have made this issue deeper than it needs to be.

2. Take a threatening picture of yourself stood over his Nan, holding a pillow just above her face while she sleeps and send it to him.

3: Consider getting a cleaner and splitting the cost.

4. Fake your own death by pretending to trip over a misplaced piece of clothing. That’ll show him for thinking deep-necked t-shirts look good.

5: Burn them. (The clothes)

I’ve found option two to be effective. Even more so than Chinese water torture. But that is also a viable option.

Good luck!

Love,

Auntie Gef

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