Ask Auntie Gef: When you’re in a relationship and get ‘THE ICK’

Dear Auntie Gef,

I used to find my bf’s little quirks hot, now he just majorly gives me the ick. I still love him, I just don’t want to shag him anymore, help a girl out?

Dear Anon,

Firstly. I can’t get over the fact that you used the term ‘bf’ in your question instead of ‘boyfriend’. It sent shivers of cringe-fuelled disgust down my spine. Honestly, right now if I had the choice between chatting to you and eating a £6.99 bar of soap from Lush, I’d go for the soap.

I didn’t mean any of that, Anon. I hate Lush. Gives me headaches. But onto your headache. The above was me trying to highlight what the ‘ick’ is to those unfamiliar with the term. Allow me (Wikipedia) to elaborate:

‘An ick is a point at which your initial attraction to a person flips into a feeling of disgust.’

Adding to that, ‘the ick’ is usually an instant and visceral reaction. Similar in feeling to when you miss the last step in a dream or when I spot Amnesty fundraisers in town.

I know you didn’t specify what’s giving you the ick, but you did mention ‘little quirks’ and that’s often the case with icks. They usually stem from things like ‘I caught my partner struggling to use an umbrella’ rather than ‘I caught my partner masturbating to goat porn’.

Examples of things people have said their partners did that gave them the ick: 

• ‘Them sitting on the toilet.’
• ‘When they lose their balance on the train and wobble.’
• ‘When they have a brightly coloured screensaver.’
• ‘Clapping when a plane lands’.

To be fair, I think we can all agree on that last one. Unless the pilot has fought off a Godzilla King Kong hybrid to land the plane, they don’t need applauding. Do you clap the bus driver when you get off at your stop? If the answer is yes, then we should see other people.

Now, the ick causes a lot of debate. Some people see it as a gut feeling telling you to ‘get out now. Run while you still can. Just LEAVE the scatter cushions. YOU CAN GET MORE.’ Which, it could be. My personal history with the ick led to the end of a 4-year relationship. It hit me in one fell swoop and I immediately knew there was no going back. In my case, the ick I got was a personality difference that had always been there, but had been masked by my own rose-tinted glasses. Once removed, his need to compete to be the funniest person in the room icked me hard. And finding out he had a wife was the nail in the coffin.

But. I also believe people put too much power into the ick. It’s become a trend, made big by Love Island, that flirts with the line of intuition and blowing normal things out of proportion. In reality, there’s likely to be an ick in most relationships at some point because no one is perfect. And if you’re constantly leaving healthy relationships to pursue a flawless human, you’ll be looking forever.

And, psychologically, our icks in others can actually be us projecting our own imperfections and un-tended to insecurities onto someone else.

We need to remember that we ourselves are not flawless. There’s always going to be ways for us to give our partner the ick too. My current boyfriend got it from me when I was pretending to be The Head from Art Attack at his work Christmas party.

Hollywood has long fed us the story that love is perfect and should be easy all the time. In reality, love is a choice and requires effort. That’s what makes it so special. And it is possible to get past an ick if you choose not to place too much meaning onto it.

You said you still love your partner, so I guess you have to ask yourself ‘is this person worth growing past the ick for’? Communication is vital though, so, if you’re with someone who is patient and understanding (hopefully), then I would bring it up with them to see where talking it through gets you.

But if he claps when the plane lands then forget it. That’s just f*****g cringe.

Good Luck.

Auntie Gef

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