Ask Auntie Gef: Will I Ever Be More Than a Friend with Benefits?

Dear Auntie Gef,

I am in a friends-with-benefits situation with a girl who’s had some bad past experiences with other guys. I really like her but she says she doesn’t know what she wants so I don’t know if I’m wasting my time waiting around because if she actually liked me wouldn’t she just be with me? 

Dear Anon,

The waters of ‘Friends-with-benefits’ or ‘situationships’ are as murky as the sea in Peel. The two differ slightly in how they come about but both have common traits of a lack of official commitment and clearly defined feelings. These situations always play out in one of two ways in films:

• The person more invested gets increasingly frustrated with the other who’s less invested to the point where they argue all the time before inevitably breaking up (500 Days of Summer)                                                                                                  OR
• They break up then the person who was less interested suddenly realises what they’re missing and comes running back to make things official (Friends with Benefits, No Strings Attached)

But. All is not lost. Films have a habit of needing a black or white ending but in reality, things are rarely that straight forward. A lack of clarity right from the off is often demonised with phrases like ‘If it’s not a HELLS YES it’s a HELL NO’ which I disagree with. Phrases like ‘when you meet the right person you’ll just know’ are also batted about thoughtlessly but I think they have the potential to shame people into thinking a lot of good relationships aren’t right just because some take more time to know. It’s not a bad thing to take your time and people shouldn’t be made to be feel like it is. Instead, I think we need to start embracing uncertainty and allow ourselves more space to figure things out rather than demanding an immediate definite ‘YES, I LOVE YOU, MARRY ME RIGHT NOW OR I’LL DIE’ or ‘I would rather date a paper towel.’

You mentioned the girl you’re ‘seeing’ has had negative experiences with guys in the past. This will likely play a part in her reluctance to dive straight into a ‘happily ever after’ with you. Some hurts cut deep and can linger for a long time after, sometimes subconsciously. It can come out in many ways, including, simultaneously being with someone whilst also pushing them away or keeping them at arm’s length as a protective mechanism to avoid getting hurt again. Which can be known as an ‘anxious avoidant’ attachment style.

If she’s willing to talk to you about her past, that will be a helpful way for you both to understand each other better. There are no guarantees that it’ll all work out after having a chat but that’s the same in any relationship. No one can say for certain that they will never break up. (Unless you’re Ant and Dec. ITV won’t allow it). And that’s something we all need to accept. When you’ve found out more you can ask yourself if you’re willing to stick around for this person, not in the hope that they will eventually fall for you because putting pressure on future outcomes is a recipe for anxiety. But in being present and knowing that you will enjoy each other’s company for the time being. And if something develops from that, great. If it doesn’t, it is what it is and both of you will be okay, but the choice to stay or go lies with you. Either way, it sounds like the girl has been upfront with you about her uncertainty from the beginning and that’s all she owes you.

If, on the other hand, the girl in question starts disrespecting you by doing things like:

• Saying she would be with you if you were completely different. Eg. Were richer, better looking, smarter, funnier, more athletic, taller, had a beard. (Even though you’ve told her you can’t grow one because of work health and safety regulations – it’s not worth the risk after Kyle’s got caught in the machinery. RIP)
• Continuously breaking things off with you then restarting them again.
• Promising to be with you if you get rid of a body for her.

Then here is an alternative course of action:

Tell her you respect her difficulties in the past, but you have to put your own needs first and you think it’s best for you to not see each other anymore. Wish her all the best for the future and say you hope relationships get easier for her. Then block her. Take her cat. Litterbox too. Tell the police where she forced you, at gunpoint, to hide that body. Get a suit. Testify against her in court. Win the lottery. Quit your job. Get a lower-face hair transplant. Visit her in prison. Go in wearing a paper bag over your head then dramatically remove it to show off your fancy facial hair. And watch, with grim satisfaction, as she weeps with regret for ever messing you around, all in the blinding light of your magnificent new beard.

Good luck.

Love,

Auntie Gef x