Gef’s Festive Film Advent Calendar: 22 Dec

22 Dec

Love, Actually

*Available to watch on Prime.

Ah, Love, Actually. The world’s view of British people seen through the eyes of Richard Curtis. It’s 2 hours 15 minutes of love, love, and more love.

There’s the guy who hits on his best friend’s wife literally behind his back – he’s sat in a new marriage state of blissful unawareness less than 10 feet away while it happens.

There’s the guy who can’t get laid in England so goes to America and becomes King Shag-a-lot purely because of his British accent.

There’s the widow who has just lost his wife and says he’ll only fall in love again with someone who looks like Claudia Schiffer. Low and behold, she appears, single (ideally) and all thoughts of his cold, dead wife vanish quicker than King Shag-a-lot’s virginity upon landing in America.

There’s the widow’s young son. His dad thinks he’s grieving over the loss of his mum but finds out he doesn’t give a shit about that ACTUALLY, he’s moping because he is in love with his classmate who’s American and an amazing singer. The kid runs through an airport for her so you know it’s true love / British airport security is in a worrying state of disrepair.

There’s the prime minister who falls for a charming woman working for him who everyone calls fat even though she’s slimmer than most the people in the film.

There’s the bloke who has an emotional and jewellery-bought affair with a younger woman he works with behind the back of his wonderful wife who makes lobster costumes for their young children. Not since the days of Henry V has a nation more quickly joined forces to fight for something than when we collectively watched Emma Thompson crying silently in her bedroom to Joni Mitchell after finding out her husband was cheating on her. Tears flowed and blood boiled as we then watched her put on a brave face to take her kids to their nativity. #westandwithemma

There’s the washed up pop star who is either platonically or romantically in love with his ever-patient male Scottish manager and doesn’t know the difference between Ant and Dec.

There are the sex-scene body doubles who have the least complicated romantic story line.

There’s the one and only woman’s story line. She’s been secretly in love with her sexy co-worker for years, who secretly loves her back but she can’t be with him because she has un-worked-through guilt/parental issues and prioritises checking in on her brother who lives in a care home above all else, meaning she must live a life of solitude forever.

And finally. There’s Colin Firth who falls in love with a woman who works for him. A lot of men falling for women who work for them. In this case, neither of them speak the same language. So, naturally they get engaged and have a HORRIBLE kiss at the end. Colin Firth really cannot close a romantic film when he kisses the way he does. It’s like watching his chin melt into his own face while he simultaneously pecks at the area around the kiss receiver’s mouth who just has to stand there confused and waiting for it to end while Colin ploughs on, eyes closed, thinking to himself ‘pants are going to be dropping in cinemas all around the country watching this exceptional kiss.’

The pants remain firmly in place Colin. Firmly. In place. Actually.