Mystic Chess Horoscopes (07/02)

AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18) 

You can’t expect love to arrive at your front door, unless you’ve done some online shopping. 

PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20) 

Wordle is a bit like dreams: no one wants to hear about yours. 

ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19) 

This is a great week to find out exactly what your ex is up to, just before the most romantic day of the year.

TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20) 

Break-up with anyone you’re seeing this week, so you don’t have to spend any money on Valentine’s. You’re welcome, cheapskate. 

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21) 

There’s nothing stopping you from buying yourself Valentine’s treats. No one else will.

CANCER (JUN 22 – JUL  22) 

Give up your efforts. You’re not going to have a romantic Valentine’s Day.

LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)

If you don’t want to find yourself surrounded by shit this week, don’t have a dip in Laxey sea.

VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22) 

Stay focused on your goals this week. It doesn’t matter that everyone else is spending time with loved ones because you’ve got GOALS and they keep you warm at night. 

LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22) 

Watch out for traps this week. Thirst traps, specifically. 

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22) 

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. There’s no free iPhone for you this week.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 – DEC 21) 

If you quit a takeaway coffee subscription, by the end of the year you still won’t be able to afford a house and you’ll probably be even more miserable. 

CAPRICORN  (DEC 22- JAN 19) 

Are you really jealous of some red roses and a cheap teddy? Is that what you’re really envious about this V-day?