What Does 2024 Have in Store?

In what has already been a tumultuous decade, 2023 saw relative calm: no lockdowns, freedoms remained relatively in-tact, the threat of humanity loomed but didn’t feel imminent. It was an improvement. I’ve dusted off my crystal ball to see what the next year of the 20s holds. 

First AI MHK

A shock by-election will result in a collection of the pub’s biggest and most opinionated gobshites battling it out for the lucrative £75k a year salary. An uninspiring bunch will come forward, and the election will be won by the first ever AI candidate. Robotic, eerie and easily outsmarted by a little human influence, the AI MHK will fit perfectly into the House of Keys. 

Former KFC site wins a major art award

Some say abandoned project, others say audacious public art installation. Those others will include the world’s tastemakers, and the former KFC/Griddles (depending on how old you are) site will win a major art prize. Who needs more housing when you can have a grid?

Tescos monopoly will do a whole-island buyout

Like Tesco’s own biscuits* and crack, power is moreish. Tesco began their monopoly last year, but it’s simply not enough. Soon, it’ll be all the garages, and before we know it we’ll be buying a Finest Microwavable Fish and Chips from the Tesco chippy, wearing F&F and getting club points each time we have a pint. 

Douglas Promenade Regeneration project

The beginning of a new Douglas Promenade refurbishment will be announced this year, with the last refurbishment already proving to be just a little bit too… last decade. Phase one will begin in 2025, and the project will be finished in… well, how long could it take to finish a promenade?

A disgraced blonde returns

A disgraced former island resident who was at the centre of a scandal will attempt to make her island return this year. While she may be a fan of attention, being ignored by a DJ will be her last straw (“sorry I just think you’re purposely not playing Madonna to spite me because you know everyone here would enjoy a bit of Madge but you want me, specifically ME, to suffer”) and she’ll jet off again. 

Prince Andrew starts sweating again

Medical miracle?

*See how effortless that product placement was? I am ready for our supermarket overlords. I am ready and willing to accept your money anytime, Tesco- just give us a shout.