Six Reasons Why the Little Switzerland Tesco is the Best on the Island

There are many debates that divide the Manx people. Assisted dying, medicinal marijuana, windfarms, sex education. But one subject towers above the rest in its ability to fracture relationships. One that leaves family members not speaking for a decade, ends friendships, and leaves colleagues sitting in frosty atmospheres after discussion. It is, of course, the debate over which Tesco on the Isle of Man is the best.

I am here to help you keep those precious relationships you hold so dear by settling that debate. The best one is the Little Switzerland one. And before you object, please be seated for my well-thought-out argument.

1: The Layout

It’s liberatingly open. When I walk in, I get the same feeling Teresa May must get when she rebelliously runs through wheat fields. The ample space means there’s room for more people to manoeuvre themselves down each aisle making me less likely to get trolley rage from getting stuck behind someone who thinks it’s necessary to park their trolley horizontally while they spend 7 minutes figuring what type of Kale to get.

2: The Floors

They have that fancy matted quality, making your trolley glide effortlessly and silently across them. Plus, they always look clean enough to eat your Tesco Finest dinner off.

3: The Trolleys

The devil incarnate comes in the form of that one dodgy trolley wheel. You know the one. It acts normal then throws random fits that send you careening off and running over poor old Reginald who’s just trying to make sure none of his eggs are broken. So far, I have yet to have a trolley from the Little Switzerland Tesco that has been anything but smooth. Overlooking the fact that I have yet to use a trolley. I’m a basket case gal.

4: Posh

It has a clothes section that includes work shirts, pjs, and sparkly items at Christmas, giving M&S aspirations, right next to sweatpants with the words ‘EAT ME’ across the bum for variety.

5: Cafe Upstairs

I always forget there’s a cafe in the Little Switzerland. It’s hiding in plain sight above the entrance and a great spot for people watching over a cup of tea and slice of cake. The calm eye in a storm of shoppers. I’ve been zoned out waiting in the self service queue, looked up, and spotted a kid staring at me unblinkingly, clutching a chocolate muffin, his face smudging the glass barrier that’s stopping him from falling and landing on top of a lady scanning broccoli. It was unnerving but the chocolate muffin looked moist.

6: A Pharmacy

Pretty much all your needs are being met now. Food. Check. Drink. Check. Clothes. Check. Cup of tea and a cake. Check. Anusol cream. Check. Literally all that’s missing is a mechanical bull and it would have everything.

So, there you have it. No doubt you have read this and are now rejoicing over never having to argue about which Isle of Man Tesco is the best one again because the answer is right here. Call your loved ones, let them know, and allow the repairing of fractured relationships begin. You are welcome.

HOWEVER. As much as I would happily enter into a relationship with the inside of Tesco – it’s clean and caters to my needs in a way that keeps me alive – the car park has been designed to kill. Find out here how best to survive while using it.